What I don't miss about my eating disorder: Believing that I can't do this. I think there is a HUGE difference between believing you can't do this and feeling like you can't do this. I still have days, many days, when I feel like I can't do this anymore, like no matter how hard I try my eating disorder answers back faster, hits harder, speaks louder, grows stronger and digs in deeper until I'm at the point where I don't feel like I can take it anymore and the tears roll down my face and I feel tired. I feel defeated... But I fight anyway. And I don't miss believing that I can't. I think that's what you just have to do, Fight anyway. You be Strong anyway. You be Brave and have Courage anyway. You Show Up for Yourself and stare the IMPOSSIBLE in the face and you just RECOVER anyway.
What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder: The days when I feel fine but I'm not, the days when I look at myself and struggle with my intake because I feel like I look fine and I don't feel sick or weak or tired and I still have to drink how many Ensures? And I still have to pump how many CCs through a tube in my nose? But I'm fine, I feel FINE! And then I want to punch Scarlett in the face when she says FUCKED UP. INSECURE. NEUROTIC. & EMOTIONAL. Which I know she'll say in her head when she reads this. I'm not going to miss feeling FINE and yet being far from it. Fine sucks. I say Fuck You Fine.
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