Between a Kidney and a Sick Place

Sometimes I feel like the only reason I get back on track is so that I can get derailed. I'm starting to think that I secretly enjoy it in some sick twisted way. I mean, after all  I *am sick. I even have the T-Shirt. It says right on it: S I C K. 
The kidney shit has got me bummed out but I try not to think about it. I'm not ready to fully embrace the reality surrounding this whole dilemma ... And for now that's cool with me. Long story short, I have exactly 1 kidney kidney and it doesn't want to work anymore. I think it's retiring. I think I've pretty much beat the shit out of it and so now it's decided to beat the shit out of me. For the moment I'm living in a state of kind of denial. I understand what's going on but I'm exercising my right to compartmentalize and avoid emotional tags. 
I don't think I'm mentally prepared to handle the road this is going to take me on yet. All the terminology makes the whole thing sound so much more dramatic than it really is ... and I don't mean to minimize here, but you kind of have to. If I walked up to you and said I had Stage 4 Kidney Disease and have just completed a series of Venofer infusions you would think I was going to die tomorrow. It sounds like Cancer, Stage 4. You'd have no idea that what that means is my kidney has a GFR of 22, which you could potentially live with for the rest of your life with minimal life style changes and that Venofer is a fancy word for Iron. Or that I'm waiting for EPO injections so that my bone marrow will produce more red blood cells and my hemoglobin will get out of the range of needing a blood transfusion simply means my thigh is going to be in pain after the needle goes into my muscle for the shot. 
And ALL of this is just fireworks and smoke and illusions to cover up the other reality that I am also in the midst of recovering from a raging eating disorder. I'm still trying to figure it out in my head. Am I a kidney patient or am I an eating disorder patient? I don't even fucking know how to merge the two. Can I honestly do everything I can to save my kidney and still have an eating disorder? Can I just "get over" my eating disorder to save my kidney? No, I can't. I don't know how to. If it were that easy, if it were as simple as trading one for the other I think I would have found something positive to substitute it by now. I can't just stop being sick because now my kidney is sick. I wish I could just turn it off like that. I wish it were that simple. 
And so the guilt is horrendous. Why can't I just do what I'm supposed to do and stop these crazy thoughts? Why aren't the eating disorder thoughts and distortions stopping? Why can't I say 8 Ensures? Why not 9 or 10, let's just drink em until I'm at a healthy weight? Dive into this head first? Because it's a disease, that's why. Because it's not a fucking choice, that's why.