B is for Boring

I need a hobby. I have decided that I'm unusually boring these days. Sitting in my bed feeling sorry for myself makes me feel icky, like I'm wasting space. I feel like I was more of a human when I was active in my eating disorder. I need to figure out how to get that person back ... sans eating disorder, of course.
I had this project once, that I worked on every night when I didn't sleep. Instead of laying lame in my bed staring at the ceiling I sat on my floor, spread out all my art supplies, turned on my music and went to town. It was meditative for me, calming. A way to express what I was feeling without having to speak. I had it for at least 10 years and then one day I just stopped. I don't even know where it is. Tonight I'm going to start my project over. I'm going to start being more interesting in my life.
Kidney update: Barf, I don't even want to talk about it.
What I don't miss about my eating disorder this far in my recovery today: Not sure. I'm kind of a Negative Nancy today so I'm drawing a blank on the positives.
What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder when I'm recovered: Obviously the boring me. I need more substance, so I'm going to create it. And Ensures, I'm still sick of Ensures.

Still, Stuck, and Paralyzed

I'm sitting in my bed at 3:40am experiencing the biggest Ambien FAIL known to man and I realize that I don't know how to feel what I'm feeling right now and it's pouring out my eyeballs. I'm overwhelmed. I think I'm having a normal "healthy" reaction to what's happening in my life. I feel a little withdrawn because I'm afraid that if I put myself in a social situation right now, I'm going to burst into tears in the middle of a conversation that I wouldn't even be paying attention to and wouldn't be able to explain why.  I'm not sad, although I can't seem to stop crying. I'm exhausted, although I can't seem to sleep. I should be focusing on my intake and my recovery and not falling in to my eating disorder, although I don't feel like consuming anything. I believe this to be normal but it feels so foreign to me. With my eating disorder, whether or not I starved myself or ate, there was a desire either way. A desire to refuse the food or a desire to eat it. A desire to fight it or give in. There was something there, some kind of feeling. Right now, I don't feel anything either way, except that I don't like it and have no desire to change it right now. I expect this will change after I finally get sleep, and then a hundred times over again. 

To Blog Or Not To Blog ...

I went on a blogging hiatus while I tried to figure out the delicate balance between recovering from an eating disorder and being a kidney patient. Most of the time I end up shutting it all out by compartmentalizing, putting it away in my head and just going through the motions, staying in this weird limbo. How can I honestly say that I'm doing everything I can to save my kidney when I still suffer from eating disorder? Am I recovering? You bet your ass I am. But it isn't possible to just get over an eating disorder, simply because I now have a new diagnosis. If I could just get over it, I wouldn't actually have an eating disorder and we'd be discussing a problem that doesn't actually exist. 

I'm not perfect and I'll call you a liar and tell you that you don't actually know me if you think I am. But I'll do the same if you don't actually think that I'm giving it my all and doing the best that I can. If it were as simple as picking up a hamburger and going to town on a plate of french fries then by all means, fire up the grill and pass the ketchup ... but I think we all know it doesn't work that way. 

Today I met with my nephrologist (kidney doc) and received my referral to the vascular surgeon for a preoperative vascular access/dialysis evaluation. I was also officially referred for transplant. Transplant. AYFKM? I've been an eating disorder patient my whole life (well 2/3rds of my life) and these are words that I feel should not be in my vocabulary. I don't know how to be a kidney patient. 

Scarlett says I have to separate the two, so I'm going to work on doing that. Maybe the key to getting through this is realizing that I can be an eating disorder patient working on my recovery AND a kidney patient starting the road to recovery via dialysis and/or (hopefully or) transplant. It'll be kind of like ... multi-tasking. Anyway, I think I'll stick to blogging during this process because I do not want to lose ground in my eating disorder recovery. I need to make sure I don't let my eating disorder become the way I cope with my kidney and I also need to make sure that my eating disorder recovery does not get lost to my kidney recovery. Let the multi-tasking begin.

What I do not miss about my eating disorder at this point in my recovery: Not having control over my thoughts. I love that I can break away from the eating disorder chaos in my brain and think about other things, future plans. I like that I can have day dreams about something other than an eating disorder related issue or thought. And I love that it happens naturally and I can experience what it feels like to have moments of freedom.

What I am not going to miss about my eating disorder once I'm recover(ed): Being denied a fun afternoon jogging around Greenlake with my friends and then going to eat frozen yogurt afterwards. When I'm recovered, I'm going to go to run  Greenlake every day, and I'm going to run with a handful of crab cakes from Tom Douglas' restaurants, and I'm going to do it in neon green shoes, because I can.