Still, Stuck, and Paralyzed

I'm sitting in my bed at 3:40am experiencing the biggest Ambien FAIL known to man and I realize that I don't know how to feel what I'm feeling right now and it's pouring out my eyeballs. I'm overwhelmed. I think I'm having a normal "healthy" reaction to what's happening in my life. I feel a little withdrawn because I'm afraid that if I put myself in a social situation right now, I'm going to burst into tears in the middle of a conversation that I wouldn't even be paying attention to and wouldn't be able to explain why.  I'm not sad, although I can't seem to stop crying. I'm exhausted, although I can't seem to sleep. I should be focusing on my intake and my recovery and not falling in to my eating disorder, although I don't feel like consuming anything. I believe this to be normal but it feels so foreign to me. With my eating disorder, whether or not I starved myself or ate, there was a desire either way. A desire to refuse the food or a desire to eat it. A desire to fight it or give in. There was something there, some kind of feeling. Right now, I don't feel anything either way, except that I don't like it and have no desire to change it right now. I expect this will change after I finally get sleep, and then a hundred times over again.