Between a Kidney and a Sick Place

Sometimes I feel like the only reason I get back on track is so that I can get derailed. I'm starting to think that I secretly enjoy it in some sick twisted way. I mean, after all  I *am sick. I even have the T-Shirt. It says right on it: S I C K. 
The kidney shit has got me bummed out but I try not to think about it. I'm not ready to fully embrace the reality surrounding this whole dilemma ... And for now that's cool with me. Long story short, I have exactly 1 kidney kidney and it doesn't want to work anymore. I think it's retiring. I think I've pretty much beat the shit out of it and so now it's decided to beat the shit out of me. For the moment I'm living in a state of kind of denial. I understand what's going on but I'm exercising my right to compartmentalize and avoid emotional tags. 
I don't think I'm mentally prepared to handle the road this is going to take me on yet. All the terminology makes the whole thing sound so much more dramatic than it really is ... and I don't mean to minimize here, but you kind of have to. If I walked up to you and said I had Stage 4 Kidney Disease and have just completed a series of Venofer infusions you would think I was going to die tomorrow. It sounds like Cancer, Stage 4. You'd have no idea that what that means is my kidney has a GFR of 22, which you could potentially live with for the rest of your life with minimal life style changes and that Venofer is a fancy word for Iron. Or that I'm waiting for EPO injections so that my bone marrow will produce more red blood cells and my hemoglobin will get out of the range of needing a blood transfusion simply means my thigh is going to be in pain after the needle goes into my muscle for the shot. 
And ALL of this is just fireworks and smoke and illusions to cover up the other reality that I am also in the midst of recovering from a raging eating disorder. I'm still trying to figure it out in my head. Am I a kidney patient or am I an eating disorder patient? I don't even fucking know how to merge the two. Can I honestly do everything I can to save my kidney and still have an eating disorder? Can I just "get over" my eating disorder to save my kidney? No, I can't. I don't know how to. If it were that easy, if it were as simple as trading one for the other I think I would have found something positive to substitute it by now. I can't just stop being sick because now my kidney is sick. I wish I could just turn it off like that. I wish it were that simple. 
And so the guilt is horrendous. Why can't I just do what I'm supposed to do and stop these crazy thoughts? Why aren't the eating disorder thoughts and distortions stopping? Why can't I say 8 Ensures? Why not 9 or 10, let's just drink em until I'm at a healthy weight? Dive into this head first? Because it's a disease, that's why. Because it's not a fucking choice, that's why.

Free2Be________.

Ramey Nutrition Presents Free2Be________.

Recovering from an eating disorderrequires an inordinate amount of rigorous self-exploration and work, but you arenot alone! 

If you feel ready to make the choiceand commitment to recover and wrestle your life from your eating disorder, wewould like to invite you to join Free2Be________.  This is a 15-week intensive program thatoffers a safe, supportive, and inviting environment for you to receive the loveand care that you need, to reclaim your life. 

Who?

Individuals ready to make the choiceto recover and are seeking more support in an outpatient "real-world"setting, and who are ready to make a 15-week commitment to theirrecovery.  Please note that an initial assessment is required priorto attending this group to assure it is the right fit for you.  Toschedule your assessment, please call: (206) 909-8022.  It would bebest to schedule your assessment at least two-weeks prior to the first group.

Program Details:

·        Mandatory part of Eating Disorder Program:

o   Eating DisorderSupport Group withShena Washburn, RD, CD on Tuesdays 5:00pm-7:00pm

o   GentleYoga withSarah Ahktar on Thursdays 6:30pm-7:30pm

·        Optional part of Eating Disorder Program:

o   Dinner, meal support Thursdays 5:00pm-6:30pm

§ Meal not provided.  Please bring your meal with you.

Location:

Ramey Nutrition

4241 Suite B 11th Ave NE

Seattle, WA 98105

Please note that in an effort toprovide support to all who attend; this program requires a 15-weekcommitment.  To assure maximum supportgiven to both you and others, we ask that you please arrive no more than 10minutes late.  We take our programs very seriously so we can providethe most reliable sense of support possible, which is why if you miss more thantwo support groups or yoga (or meal support if registered for), and/orrepeatedly arrive 10 minutes or more late to group, you will be asked to rejoinwhen you have more availability.   

**Most insurance plans will coverthis, as "group medical nutrition therapy," however you are ultimatelyresponsible for any fees your insurance does not cover**

Guest Article: The Link Between Stress and Diabetes

The Link Between Stress and Diabetes

Stress can have an adverse affect on blood sugar levels, andthis can complicate diabetes management. When you’re under stress, you hunkerdown into “fight or flight” mode, designed to prepare you for and protect youagainst short-term dangers.

Your body releases glucose into your bloodstream from stored reserves in yourliver, muscles and adipose tissues. Additionally, your body releases hormoneslike epinephrine and adrenaline, which is your body’s way of preparing itself incase it needs to run away from a physical threat. Both hormones increase yourblood glucose levels.

Most of the threats confronting us in the modern world are psychologicallyinduced. You may be stuck in a traffic jam or become involved in an irritatinginteraction with a coworker at your job. In neither case is the flight or fightreaction adaptive to your needs. But the body doesn’t really distinguishbetween psychological and physical threats.

For many people, stress can be a chronic state of affairs. People end upworrying about situations that they have no control over. This can greatlyexacerbate diabetes symptoms. Managing stress is an essential component ofmanaging diabetes.

The Diabetic’s Guide To Managing Stress

The goal of diabetes treatment is to bring blood glucose levels toacceptable levels. The goal of long-term diabetes management, on the other hand, is to stabilize fluctuationsin those blood glucose levels.

People with diabetes often have a mixed reaction to stress. In individuals withtype 1 diabetes, stress is as likely to drive glucose levels down as it is toelevate glucose levels. In individuals with type 2 diabetes, however, stressalmost always elevates blood sugar levels.

People who are not affected by diabetes have compensatory mechanisms that keepblood sugar within safe limits. This isn’t true for diabetics, however. Stresscan easily precipitate a dangerous blood sugar shift.

You may have little control over external sources of stress, but you do havecontrol over your reaction to that stress. Increasingly, diabetes treatmentcenters, such as Seattle-based Ramey Nutrition, are teaching diabetics basic relaxationtechniques that can help them modulate their reaction to stress. Thesetechniques include

• Yoga: Yoga not only helps you relax, it can also help you lose weight. Thereis also some evidence that yoga can improve the functioning of the pancreas.The pancreas is the organ that produces insulin.

• Meditation: At least one clinical study has linked mediation with lower bloodsugars in type 2 diabetics.
Cognitive behavioral therapy: Cognitive behavioral therapy helps individuals replace maladaptive behaviors with problem-solving behaviors.CBT can help diabetics pinpoint why their blood sugars are unusually high, andtake active steps to reduce incidents of re-occurrence.

It’s also important to learn to recognize stress triggers, say diabetesexperts. Physicians recommend assigning stress levels numbers between one andten, and writing your stress level down every time you check your blood sugarlevel. Once you start doing this, you’ll know with some accuracy how stressaffects your blood sugars. 

-by Alex Kerwin

Destination Recover(ed): Day 8

August 23, 2012

What I DON'T MISS about my eating disorder: People Movers. That ridiculous golf cart you have to ride at one of the residential treatments I was in. You're not allowed to walk. Anywhere. For any reason. No walking, no standing, no unnecessary movement. No kidding.

What I'm NOT GOING TO MISS about my eating disorder: That panickey upset mad distressed feeling when I wake up in the morning and realize I fell asleep before running my feeding tube and I know I am not getting away with it without making it up because there were no tf on and tf done texts to Scarlett and she makes you be accountable ... Even if it'll kill you to do it and you think you can't. You just have to do it anyway.

Destination Recover(ed): Day 7

August 22, 2012

What I DON'T MISS about my eating disorder: I don't miss being on a first name basis with the ER and the entire telemetry floor at the hospital. I don't miss that look on the doctors and nurses faces when they recognize me because I've been in 15 or 20 times. It's been 9 months since my last hospitalization. Go Me!

What I am NOT GOING TO MISS about my eating disorder: Hearing that dang Kangaroo feeding pump beeping at a god awful hour every morning and the sound it makes all night long while it runs...