Destination Recover(ed): Day 34

     I quit smoking once. I kicked an addiction that, at the time, I had had as long as my eating disorder. I thought about all the reasons I wanted to quit, the things I didn't like about being a smoker, and the health benefits of quitting. One day I woke up and decided that that day was the day and I was done with smoking. Just like that. I didn't talk about it, I didn't make a big deal about it, I just no longer was a smoker. I kept myself constantly busy and distracted over the next three weeks and did a LOT of self talk. I recognized when my emotions started to get the best of me, and reminded myself that it was just an irrational lash out because I wasn't smoking. Simple things, like if the dishwater splashing out of the sink and getting my shirt wet, or when the vacuum cleaner's plug would pull out of the wall because I tried to vacuum something across the house, would start an emotional breakdown. But I would stop and say, "It's just because you want a cigarette." I didn't want to talk about it and discuss it with my friends and family because I didn't want to be reminded that I was quitting. Someone saying "How's the quitting going?" would suddenly prompt me to have a fierce desire to strangle them thinking, "It was going FINE until you reminded me about smoking."  There was no pressure TO quit, if no one knew I was quitting. Out of sight, out of mind was my philosophy. And you know what? It worked.


     This is the same philosophy I have been using, when it comes to recovering from my eating disorder, that I'm just going to wake up one day and start recovering. That if I just do it, and don't think about it and don't talk about it then there is no pressure to be successful, there would be no disappointment if I couldn't do it. Unfortunately this process doesn't work with my recovery. I know this now. Recently I was talking with a friend I have had for most of my eating disordered life. She has always been the one person that I was honest with even if I was lying to my treatment team, if I was playing the games in group therapy and lying to my dietitian, faking my weight, even when I was lying to myself ... I have always been able to tell her anything, without fear of judgement or embarrassment. We grew in our eating disorders at the same time, often experiencing the same feelings and thoughts and questions. We openly discussed our traumas with each other. She knows of all my treatment programs, all my therapists, everything I went through in life since I was 18 years old. So when she asked me if I was really trying to recover this time or if I was pretending, in a sense kidding myself, believing that I'm doing great all the while sabotaging myself ... 

     I went on the defense, something I don't generally do in our conversations. I felt like I knew all the reasons I was doing this, and I do, but I've never talked about them. They are in my mind, but speaking them out loud was something that I hadn't really done yet. I have been just taking the go! go! go! approach, not wanting to stop and reflect, not wanting to acknowledge my victories. I've been afraid that if I slow down, that I might stop. That taking the time to reflect would allow my eating disorder the time regain strength. After trying to expain to my friend why this time was different, I started to talk about the reasons why I was doing this, how I felt, what I was thinking how I was thinking, what has changed in my life and my goals to make this time for real. I believe with all my life that I am recovering right now. I knew it before, but I think I understand it now. My wants and my fears are different than ever before. My fear of gaining weight and who I am going to be without an eating disorder, they are still there, but they aren't my main fears anymore.
     I've switched from being afraid to gain weight to being afraid of dying. I've been understanding and believing just how sick I truly am, and it makes me sad. It makes me cry. My goals in life are more important to me than being sick and I think about it that when I'm struggling with my recovery. I have a desire to live because I have too many things in my life that I haven't accomplished, things life traveling the world and becoming a mother. I have been confined to the limits of the shell of my eating disorder for far too long and this chick is ready, this egg is starting to hatch. 

     So, Is my process slow this time? Are things really different this time? Hell yes, but I'm doing this for me, at my pace. I'm not doing this for my friend, or my family or for Scarlett or Sandy or anyone else. I push myself because I owe this to myself, I want this for myself. Facing all the reasons I want this, is really emotional because it comes from such a sad place, of reasons I have that are valid but I haven't really come to terms with the fact that it's my life and my thoughts and my experiences that are fueling the desires. These are things that actually happened to me, Experience that are mine and not some story I read. 

     I became that person all the books are written about and far surpassed them. I became that girl that everyone thought the last time they saw me was the last time they were going to see me. I became an endangered species, managing my life instead of living it. I managed to function regularly with critical blood draw results. Critical became my normal and "healthy" would probably actually kill me. So is it a slow process for me? Fuck yeah, it is. But I'll get there. 
     
     And throughout all the tears from yesterday and the sadness I felt from truly facing why I am doing this, I feel more confident that the path I am on, even though I feel at times lost because it's new to me, is the path I should be on. It's the path that is going to lead me to my goals and to having my life back. It really truly is different for everyone, every time. This whole road to recovery, as difficult and painful as it is, has become beautiful thing and I am enjoying the journey, with all my heart.