Starship Recovery!

Starship Recovery
DAILY INTENTIONS

a big part of this is being aware that this is happening. intentions should be as big as possible. the point of the intention is that you make the intention.

AM of SUNDAY 10-28-2012

Thankful For
Having to think about what I’m really thankful for when initially nothing comes to mind, Bender resting his head on me this morning and behaving because he just knows I cried a lot last night, Tomorrow being Monday- so I can be in a safer place where I can say right now I feel “unloveable or unworthy or not good enough” and people understand instead of fighting with me about it (not saying anyone agrees just that they don’t say I’m the problem, they just say the truth), feeling my feelings a bit this morning

Intention
Eat and be gentle with myself. its there in love. to protect me like a mom making a kid put on a jacket before letting the kid leave the house. Reach out for support and remember when things seem like they are all crashing down and you want to be at Ramey... time will pass and tomorrow will come before you know it.

To Do
Talk to Sam now that I’m sober and figure out where we stand, Eat

Be Brave
Talk to Sam

Vision
Can I get better or am I just going to replace 1 issue with another?

Small Step
If nothing ever changed, there would be no butterflies... so too is the Soul’s Journey” Aaryaa

AM of SATURDAY 10-27-2012

Thankful For
Intentions starting my day, mis chicas at ramey, Greta for being amazing and always super nice, Offering to not drink and not drinking even after Greta decided not to, 10 months sober for my mommy (whatwhat!), enjoying the panic of getting ready even if I had an the night.

To Do
Intentions, Walk with Sam and Bender to Starbucks in the rain, Nap, Clean up “hurricane Ashley + Sam,” Ask Sam to Watch a good rainy day movie, Eat, Veg, Get more sleep tonight, Maybe go out

Be Brave
10 minute free right- got to start journaling to get my thoughts straight. Spinning wheels go round and round.

Vision
Ed has a purpose in my recovery- he is my guide to show me what I am missing in my life. As I find each one, our relationship changes. Since Ed is a part of me, its hard to think of getting a “divorce” like Schaffer. I wonder if instead of breaking up, we’ll both grow into our appropriate roles in my being. Ed may be more like a play critic who is a friend. When I’m caught up in my vision of how the play is doing, he notices the holes that I overlooked directing so many different aspects of the performance.
Right now though, we aren’t friends. He’s just a critic who sends me over generalized messages that “im a shitty director” and I react to them since he’s the only critic I’m trying to please/basing my worth on.

Intention
Are things really as bad as they feel or is that a lie I am just used to believing? Question myself and find truth. (remember to honor it, “people aren’t walking around panicking” a lot of times when we feel like the sky is falling is a good thing- might it be get the fuck out of the way. what hurt is coming? Say “thanks for the warning, i know you did this out of love and I don’t need it today and I appreciate the protection. I’ll keep an eye out.”)
Small Step:
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs

Additional Notable Quotes:
“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing the monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward” ~CS Lewis
“Unless your heart, your soul, and your whole being are behind every decision yo umake, the words from your mouth will be empty, and each action will be meaningles. Truth an confidence are the roots of happiness.”
“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP
“I don't know you. The only thing I know about you is, you're reading this. I don't know if your happy or not; I don't know whether you're young or not. I sort of hope you're young and sad. If you're old and happy, I can imagine that you'll smile to yourself when you hear me going, he broke my heart. You'll remember someone who broke your heart, and you'll think to yourself, Oh yes, i remember how that feels. But you can't, you smug old git. Oh you'll remember feeling sort of plesantly sad. You might remember listening to music and eating chocolates in your room, or walking along the embankment on your own, wrapped up in a winter coat and feeling lonely and brave. But can you remember how with every mouthful of food it felt like you were biting into your own stomach? Can you remember the taste of red wine as it came back up and into the toilet bowl? Can you remember dreaming every night that you were still together, that he was talking to you gently and touching you, so that every morning when you woke up you had to go through it all over again?”
― Nick Hornby, A Long Way Down
“Was it hard?" I ask.
“Letting go?"
“Not as hard as holding on to something that wasn't real.”
― Lisa Schroeder

PM FRIDAY 10-26-2012

Thankful For
Shopping, Alyssa, Alyssa, Michelle, Hannah, Rachel, Shena, Scarlett, Recovery!

Intention
Do my best to reduce my expectations (ask why I have them) and be truthful with myself and others

To Do
Hair, Makeup, Car Tags, Dinner with Sam, Help Sam with Costume, Have fun tonight & Relax

Vision
If recovery is an iceberg (eating disorder stuff is above the water, the water represents the anxiety, worry and fear inhibiting recovery and the ice below the water is the real foundation of things to address) then I am swimming around in the water, sticking my face in and trying to open my eyes to see what I need to do. The water stings and distracts me from tackling everything below and also keeps me focused on the tip.


Be Brave
Journal or do self talk about “what if I had no expectations for tonight? What would it feel like (good and bad), and what thoughts might come up?

Small Step
Listen to my body and focus on what I know is true. Respect my being- body and mind

Need
More time? Jk. Space so I can get ready or help with it. Acknowledgement that I have a lot to do and am not in a good mood (irritable/feel rushed and stressed).

Can Give
My presence if someone wants to sit near by for support. I can listen and would be multitasking so I don’t think I can offer to much feedback in the moment. Just let me know what you need from me before we talk so we can be on the same page.


AM FRIDAY 10.26.2012

Thankful For
A,A,M, H, Ramey staff, playing dress up, hanging out with fun ppl I feel safe with.

Intention
Call myself out on my own bullshit, reach out for support and EAT so I can have FUN tonight

To Do
Appointment, Get Bender, Sephora with AG, Sew Ears onto Headband, Make Up, Fun Time

Vision
Recovery is a “goal” that is eluding me. A challenge I am trying to get control of (according to my dream interpretation using Dream Bible)

Be Brave
Actively question myself about my expectations for the evening and challenge myself to have an open mind.

Small Step
As a physician would use a scaple to open an infected wound, we use the truth to open mental and emotional wounds. To heal the physical body, we need to open the wound, clean them and use medicine to keep them clean until healed. Our emotional wounds are covered by denial and systems we’ve created. It is painful to open these wounds and find lies and still “you will know the truth and it will set you free.” You begin healing by practicing the truth with yourself. You begin to see everything as it is, not as you want it to be.Step 1: Find the hurts/injustice that happened to you is no longer true RIGHT NOW, IN THIS MOMENT. “The truth is always changing.”

Can Give
My presence and distractions with crafts and makeup.

I Need
Accountability for my “be brave” and eating because parties/events are challenging for me.

PM THURSDAY 10.25.2012

Intention
Rest and Relax with Sam aka be normal :).

Thankful For
Pumpkins!!, AD, AG, H, M, FUN, Scarlett (for being an amazing support to all of us and doing 2 jobs), Yoga, Disney Movies.

To Do
Pumpkin, Costume, Makeup Time, Yoga, Sleep and Eat.

Vision
I don’t want my Ed and am in a happy mood especially being at Ramey with all these lovely ladies. Recovery is possible, and I just need to do the work. I imagine there will be more ups and downs before I am recovered. I’m worried because good days are often followed by lows that seem so much lower.
Be Brave
Put away my laundry. I just really don’t want to do it.

Small Step
Enjoy the good day and don’t let worry ruin it. Worry means to torment... I don’t want to torment myself for being in a good mood.

Can Give
Someone to hang out with or if you need someone to talk at or do creative things with. I’m not very focused, and probably not be a great conversationalist.

I Need
People to spend time with and am open to hearing about your path to recovery.

AM THURSDAY 10.26.2012




Thankful For
Alyssa, Alyssa, Michelle, Hannah, Ramey Staff, A Place to be authentic

Intention
Stay present

To Do
-    Eat
-    Go to Katies
-    Bender
-    Stay until 5pm
-    Work on costume  

Vision
Why is it so hard?! Recovery feels like Mary Go Round by Kacy Musgraves

Mary Mary quite contrary,
We get bored so we get married
And just like dust we settle in this town.
On this broken merry go 'round and 'round and 'round we go,
Where it stops nobody knows...
And it ain't slowin' down, this merry go 'round...

Be Brave
Think about the things I want to think about the least- if my adversion is so strong, they are probabably what I need to work on.

Small Step
Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you

What do I need?
Honesty- transparency. I don’t want to guess what ppl want or need to worry if I am doing the right thing for others. Acceptance that I’m focusing on me and that might rub someone the wrong way. I hate conflict.

What can I give?
My presence here, someone to eat with if I’m already eating. Quotes and advice J