What I don't miss about my eating disorder: I have this one memory of standing in the bathroom facing the toilet getting ready to purge the dinner I had eaten and I just remember standing there, full of ambivalence, thinking "I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this." I crouched down and pulled my knees to chest, wrapped my arms around my knees and fought with myself. "I don't want to do this!" The eating disorder rebutted, "You have to." Back and forth until I gave in. I don't miss that. I don't miss why I never ever thought WHY? Why do I have to?
What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder: OK, this is going to sound ridiculous and trivial but I'm not going to miss getting into the passenger seat in the car and watching the "passenger airbag" sign switch from ON to OFF because it thinks either a child is sitting there or the seat is empty. That no one is there. It's like the car is subliminally messaging me, "Empty. You're not really there. You, my dear, have lost your presence."
No comments:
Post a Comment