What I don't miss about my eating disorder: When I was in treatment out of state and I decided I didn't want to complete the program. After being in the program for a bit, I spent 3 days talking about leaving with my therapist there, and over the phone with Sandy and my Dad. I remember saying to my dad that for the first time in my life I felt like I had a presence, and it felt good. I felt like I was ready to come home and start my living my life and that the restrictions of being in treatment were holding me back. I will never forget what my Dad said. He said, "Jess, you are an adult and I can't force you to stay but I will not be the one to tell I think it's okay to leave. It's ultimately your choice and I will always support whatever you decide to do but because I believe with all my heart that you need to stay there and further gain strength and clarity, I will not help you come home. You feel as if they are holdingyou back but I feel as if they are giving me my daughter back." I eventually chose to walk out of treatment and I figured out, on my own, how to get home. But I didn't go home to my family, I went home to my dysfunctional life and marriage in Texas. I was too ashamed to face my family, especially my Dad. It was almost a year before I could gather the courage to face my dad after that. I don't miss that lost year and I don't miss letting everyone down after everything that was sacrificed for me to go to that particular treatment facility. I don't miss what it felt like to know I broke my dad's heart.
What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder: Today I'm not going to miss feeling the funk of recovery. Feeling like this is bigger than me and doubting whether or not I can actually do this. It does fuel the desire to keep trying and not give up and to continue challenging myself to not give up but I'm not going to miss these feelings. It makes me scared. Of how I feel, of what's to come and what I still have to go through. I'm not going to miss the fear and the sadness that comes with it.
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