September 19, 2012
What I don't miss about my eating disorder: I know I said this before, but I can not say it enough: The secrecy revolved around having an eating disorder and the etaing disorder behaviors seem to be the source of power behind the eating disorder. This was just reinforced and proven true, again, in my own journey. The last couple of weeks of my recovery journey I was on a detoured route. When it came time to talk about it this week in my appointment I pulled my beanie down over my face and started crying because I didn't want to talk about it. I felt ashamed and embarrassed to admit what I had been up to and what I had gone through. I didn't want to speak the words, I just wanted to hide from it and move on, forgetting it ever happened, remembering always the way it made me feel: Sick. Incapable. Out of Control. Embarrassed. Ashamed. Sad. Scared. Angry. I just wanted to bury it deep down and not speak of it, forget. It may work that way in therapy, saying "I don't want to talk about it" is respected in therapy. It's a trust boundary a therapist can not cross. But I wasn't seeing Sandy for therapy at the time ... When it came time to talk about it, I was at my appointment with Scarlett ... Scarlett is NOT a "therapist". She doesn't have to follow those rules or boundaries about not goading or going somewhere that is "off limits" ... If it needs to be addressed, it's going to get talked about before you leave, she won't let you leave with it. And thank God for that. In all honesty, you could say anything, admit to anything and it's never going to be shocking, there is never going to be judgement. I felt so much compassion and understanding for what I was going through and what I had gone through. But the best revelation was that by pulling it out from the deepest corners of my life, all of a sudden I wasn't ashamed of it anymore. I wasn't embarrassed about it anymore. Now that it wasn't a secret, all of a sudden I had a power over it instead of it controlling me. I had this strength to bash it down and kick it the fuck out of my life instead of hide from it. I feel so much better now. I feel so much stronger in my recovery now, remembering how bad keeping secrets feels. Secrecy is a one way ticket leading to relapse. Compassion, Honesty and LOVE is how you battle back, and I feel like I'm back.
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