What I don't miss about my eating disorder: When I couldn't admit when I was wrong. I have learned that secrecy is deadly. It gives undeniable strength to my eating disorder as it tears away at the safety and trust of those who support and love me. I don't miss when I couldn't admit when I was wrong, admit when I fucked up, admit when I was in the midst of a relapse because my eating disorder made me feel too ashamed, too embarrassed, too guilty to speak the truth. Like an abuser, convincing me that I would be letting everyone down and they were going to be angry, get tired of loving me and give up on me. I don't miss believing that anymore. Admitting when you've fucked up, taking away the eating disorder's power of secrecy, it's not easy, but the response is not that of anger or resentment, it's of encouragement and support. Here's a secret, which really isn't a secret at all ... love. Eating disorders hate love. It fucks 'em up.
What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder: Being over confident in my recovery. It's almost like ignoring the problem until it grows strong enough in your blindspot to knock you back on your ass from left fucking field leaving you wondering what the fuck just happened. Yep, getting back sucks, not as bad as getting knocked down, and I won't miss that but I really won't miss the part where I'm left with a relapse concussion.
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