Ok, I've been putting off writing this blog because I want it to be perfect. I had the most special spectacular day a week and a half ago and it was such an emotional and perfect day that I'm having a hard time putting words to my feelings in such a way that I can perfectly express how and what I was feeling. But I'm realizing that my need for perfection is what is constantly holding me back. So I'm just going to dive in and hope that I can get it across without jumbling it up and rambling on too much :) so bear with me here ...
So I had a spectacular day last week. It has taken me a while to blog about it because I had a difficult time wrapping my head around it to put words to my feelings. So that day started off as a not so good day. I had just left a particularly emotionally difficult appointment with Sandy. EMDR is fucking hard and it's so incredibly taxing on my body. I leave those appointments with the same empty euphoric feeling I used to crave when starving. The "nothingness" feeling. Empty. Only now instead of reveling in the feeling as "success" or "comfort" my brain instead automatically screams "Jesus Christ! I need an Ensure STAT!" (yay for small proofs of recovery!). So I show up for my appointment with Scarlett right after my appointment with Sandy and I'm beat. I'm exhausted. Trauma work is never fun, so I'm a little emotionally blah, not exactly feeling super awesome. I had just spent the last hour and a half realizing that I am affected by my sister's pregnancy in a traumatic way. That while I am so excited and proud and ecstatic and anxious and thrilled and happy, it brings up trauma issues for me. And no matter what I want or how I tell myself I feel, I'm not getting away from the underlying trauma. I can still be happy and excited for my sister, and be traumatized by it at the same time. But I can't pretend that it doesn't bother me, that it doesn't trigger trauma for me just because I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to go there or process it because I don't want to relive it, but there's no denying it and I'm coming to terms with the fact that I have to deal with it even though I don't want to. So it had been "that kind of a day" when I walked in the door at Ramey Nutrition. It actually kind of makes the whole day perfect actually. To have such a wide spectrum of emotion all in the same day and survive it as one of my most favorite days of my life ... it really makes it that much more fucking awesome of a day. Complete. So I had been set up to know that there was something special that was going to happen at my appointment with Scarlett, so I knew that going in but I never thought or expected what was going to happen. Appointment is going as normal and I'm giving the Scarlett the play by play from my appointment with Sandy, discussing intake and body image issues and then ... AND THEN ... there's the knock at the door ... and in walks this guy, who I recognize from Scarlett's pictures on Facebook, and I know his name but I've never met him before. So I'm a little confused as to what is going on and wondering why he's coming in and joining my appointment. I mean, not like "WTF is he doing here", but more like "I wonder what is going on". I won't give his name because I didn't tell him I was going to blog about him, but I so want to tell the world how awesome he is and how he touched my life and filled my soul. He was there because he reads my blogs and wanted to do something for me. What makes it so emotional for me is that I never fully realized how far this blog goes and how many people are reading it and how many people it's helping, whether it be support for someone with an eating disorder or just bringing to light what it's like for someone who doesn't have an eating disorder. A piece of my life and journey that one wouldn't otherwise know anything about. So in one of my blogs I wrote about not looking forward to winter because of the cold and what it felt like to be so cold because of my eating disorder. If you suffer from an eating disorder, you know what I'm talking about ... the cold gets down into your bones and you just can't warm up. Your body is tense all the time and it's exhausting. It's painful. My lips turn this purplish blue and feel like I look as though I'm being preserved on ice. It wears you down. I hate it. You don't have to have an eating disorder to know what this feels like either and it was something that he could identify with. So, as the story goes, my blog affected him. It's weird, it's like my life, what I go through as an every day thing affected the life of someone I don't know, have never met or crossed physical paths with. It's a concept I'm still wrapping my head around. To me, it's just my life, it's what I go through every day so nothing I do or say or write seems profound to me because it's just the way it is, it's just the way things go and I'm just writing about it. So he decided that he wanted to do something and here he was sitting across from me telling me how he reads my blog and explaining how he felt and how he wanted to get me something and he pulls out this coat. But it's not just a coat, it's an awesome coat, a coat that was special made. A coat that he had to call around to different companies to find someone who would help him with this coat. He read everyone he called my blog until he found someone that wanted to help him. (on a side note this coat did NOT come from REI who could care less and didn't want to help and now there is a year long boycott against them ...) A coat, because I get cold and I'm not looking forward to winter. A coat because he knows what it's like to feel that cold, even without having an eating disorder. Now I don't know how to articulate my emotions from this point. It's so much more than a coat. I mean, to have someone you don't even know do something so profound that you can't even speak ... it's surreal. To not have to worry about the cold this year because this coat is so fucking warm and enveloping and to have one less thing to worry about, to not have to dread that pain ... I'm just so touched. It's more than a coat to me. I feel safe in it. It's my armor. I've had a few rough days since then and in the midst of crying and dealing and feeling just so defeated and emotional, I put my coat on and curled up and created this safety nest inside my coat. And it may sound ridiculous, but I don't really care. I updated my Facebook status that night (yes I'm a FB'er) because I felt this overwhelming gratitude and I needed to get it out but all I could say was this:
At the moment I am at a loss for words to describe the most amazing day I have had. Today I feel beyond honored and blessed, enveloped by love and safety and truly inspired and motivated. I wish I could find the words to express the immensity of my emotions but for now I will revel in the comfort and joy of knowing that everything is exactly at should be and everything is going to be just fine. Thank You, with all my heart.
So I wanted to blog about it so I could say Thank You, you have truly touch my life in ways I may not ever be able to fully express ... and you have warmed my soul and made such a profound impact on my heart and will always be remembered for for helping me to my ultimate destination: recover(ed).
One of the best days of my life.
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