Destination Recover(ed): Day 673

In the past few days I have heard from several people that I seem depressed lately... Thing is, I'm not depressed. I'm kind of really sad, but certainly not depressed. I've been really in my head these past few weeks, contemplative. I'm a little confused about where I am and I'm trying to figure it out without "figuring it out" ... I have an INSANE need for control that always has me trying to perfect this journey ... I always have to know what's going on, I need to understand what happened, I need to know what's next, what I'm supposed to be doing next. I have a hard time letting go and "trusting the process" because I don't want it to just happen. I want to be prepared for what's coming. I want to be able to expect whatever is going to happen every step of the way.
In my mind I'm always thinking, "Ok I did that, now what I do? Ok, that happened, and I did this. Ok, now what? What's next?" That's not trusting the process, that's controlling the process. It's frustrating. It's confusing. I feel like I'm always doing everything the wrong way. Maybe it's because I'm terrified that if I don't do it "right" then it won't work for me. Maybe I'm scared shitless that I might miss something and then I'm fucked ... as if recovery is going to hurl towards me and if I'm not prepared for it, standing in just the right spot, arms outstretched with a big giant "X" on my forehead, that it's going to hit me at the wrong angle and somehow skip off me, bounce off into the atmosphere and I'll miss it. It'll be gone. And now, because I'm overwhelmed by all of this and I keep trying to process it and process all these other emotions that don't even have shit to do with shinola that my genious fucking brain has decided that the best thing to do is to shut down a little, curl up into the ever so warm and comfortable eggshell. Safe and protected from everything bad and in turn, everything ... good.
I feel like I've got all this shit in my head that I want to explore and my outlets are all plugged up or off limits. One outlet says use me! But it's only going to electrocute me. The other outlet says don't use me anymore, use that outlet over there. That outlet isn't available all the time and besides, that outlet actually works but I'd have to deal with shocks and jolts of electricity every once in a while .... Well, that's terrifying. So I'm feeling safe in my retreat back in my egg right now because I'm really not sure what to do at the moment. I want to cry. Some more. This feeling ... this non feeling ... is familiar. It's all too familiar and I know I can't stay here long or I'll just end up getting cooked, one way or another.