Lately recovery sucks. I want so bad to just be done with this process. I want to be able to go to bed at night and wake up recover(ed) and not have to go through the re-feeding, not have to experience the weight restoration process or put myself through the EMDR and trauma issues. I just want it to magically happen while I'm asleep and wake up healthy; mind, body and soul. I don't want to celebrate surviving eating a slice of pizza. I just want it to not matter. I want to cry over spilled milk and not the fucking milk. This morning I just feel ridiculously emotional. I'm worn out and worn down and don't feel like being strong. I'm worried that my sense of "being strong" has come int he form of ambivelance, and maybe "being strong" means I have to let go and fully give in to recovery, trust the process. Yesterday I made the choice to increase my intake on my own. I want to catch my metabolism, I want to just put a little weight on and go from there. I want my body to stop over-reacting and just trust me. I'm feeling a little defeated today. This is when I just want to hunker down, do the fucking shit, and be held safe ... "I know, buddy, I know." This is the ugly part.
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