Night Baker finds strength, healing in blog readers By Candice Madsen March 11th, 2013

 The Night Baker Video

 

OREM — For a Utah woman battling anorexia, sharing her story with the world ultimately helped save her life.

It's been five months since KSL met Camilla Kuhns — known in the blogosphere as the Night Baker. Camilla bakes and blogs in hopes of raising enough money to overcome her anorexia for good.
Camilla checked into the Center for Change in Orem, not knowing how long she'd be able to afford to stay. Treatment costs $900 a day.
But Camilla said the generosity of family, friends and strangers who follow her blog kept the money and support coming, giving her the funds and the strength to fight for her life.

I'm so much more fun and I enjoy things more. I am excited about my life and that is so much better than being skinny.

–Camilla Kuhns, Night Baker

Five months ago, doctors told Camilla she could have a heart attack at any moment. Her eating disorder has controlled her life for 18 long years.

"This has been a crutch for me for so long," she said. "I just feel like I'm losing my crutch."
Camilla entered treatment terrified to let go of the habits that were killing her. But now, five months later, she has a new take on life.
"I feel so much better," she said. "I'm so much more fun and I enjoy things more. I am excited about my life and that is so much better than being skinny."
Her family is grateful to have this Camilla back.
"I have my daughter back," said David Kuhns, Camilla's father. "She is fun. She's energetic. She's all the things that I knew she was."
Camilla said treatment wasn't easy. She wanted to quit many times, but she knew people all over the world were praying for her.

My dream as a child was to grow up and not be an anorexic woman. I'm getting back to that person who has other dreams, better dreams, and it is just a really good feeling.

–Camilla

"They really saved my life by following the blog and reminding me that I had an audience and that it wasn't just about me," she said.

Camilla didn't realize the full impact she'd had on others until she met a woman who went into treatment because of Camilla's story.
"It's so humbling because this woman is so incredible and she has a family and she is so successful," she said. "I though that if this is the only person who saw my story and got anything out of it then it was so worth any ridicule I've gotten from sharing my blog."
Camilla hasn't completely conquered her eating disorder.
"It's still there and it yells at me sometimes, but I feel like my voice is louder now," she said.
For the first time in almost twenty years, Camilla said she finally feels in control of her future.
"My dream as a child was to grow up and not be an anorexic woman," she said. "I'm getting back to that person who has other dreams, better dreams, and it is just a really good feeling."
Camilla will receive a few more weeks of outpatient treatment at a center in Arizona as she makes the transition back into the real world.

 

From 58 pounds to thriving By Chelsea Roff

How yoga helped an anorexic recover

STORY HIGHLIGHTS

• Chelsea Roff nearly died from severe anorexia and its complications
• She spent 16 months in Children's Medical Center Dallas
• She says she was lucky to get enough resources to put her life back together
• Now, Roff wants her story to be a "beacon of hope" for others who might be suffering

Editor's note: In the Human Factor, we profile survivors who have overcome the odds. Confronting a life obstacle -- injury, illness or other hardship -- they tapped their inner strength and found resilience they didn't know they possessed. This week we introduce you to Chelsea Roff, who had a stroke at 15 brought on by her severe anorexia. At the time she arrived at Children's Medical Center Dallas, she weighed 58 pounds. Now 23, Roff is a writer, speaker and yoga instructor.

(CNN) -- The first emotion I remember is rage. It was a violent, fire-in-your-veins, so angry-you-could-kill-someone kind of rage.

I wanted out. I wanted the pain to be over. I wanted to die. I was mad at myself for not having the courage to just do it quickly, angry at the hospital staff for thwarting my masked attempt.

I was convinced that I was "meant to" endure this, that my long, drawn-out starving to death would prove my willpower to God. In the days prior to my stroke, I'd had vivid hallucinations -- of Jesus on a wooden cross outside my bedroom window and a satanic figure sneaking up under my bedroom covers to suffocate me at night. I thought I was meant to be a martyr. I thought God wanted me to die.

As the fury subsided, delirium set in. I became confused, defiant and completely irrational. I told the doctors that they couldn't possibly keep me overnight, because my family didn't have insurance or money to pay. When a cardiologist responded that she wasn't sure if I'd live another week, I told her she was full of s---.

I hid the food they were trying to make me eat in my underwear, in flowerpots, even in my cheeks like a chipmunk -- certain no one would notice. I didn't want to get better. I was convinced nothing was wrong.

I remember having nurses turn me over in the middle of the night to tend to the bed sores on my behind, places where the skin was so thin that my tailbone was starting to protrude through the flesh.

I remember waking up to discover I'd wet the bed nearly every morning for the first three months I was hospitalized. I was ashamed, disgusted. I'd lost control of the muscles in my bladder; I was like an infant all over again. I remember shooting a nurse the bird when she told me I couldn't walk, only to crumble to the floor when I angrily pushed the wheelchair away to give it a try.

Unbeknownst to me at the time, my arrival at the hospital had launched an investigation by Child Protective Services back at my home in Austin. The caseworkers deemed my mother an "unfit parent" and my sister and I were placed under custodianship of the state. My care was left to the doctors and nurses at Children's, while my sister was sent to live with our godparents. My mother, herself an alcoholic and anorexic, had literally drunk herself into oblivion (she was later diagnosed with Wernicke's Syndrome, a form of alcohol-induced dementia).

I spent the next 16 months of my life in that hospital. I completed my junior and senior years of high school through a distance education program, talked my way through hundreds of hours of individual and group therapy and slowly, painfully worked to bring my body and mind back to life.

When Medicaid finally pulled the plug on funding for my treatment, I was unrecognizable from the day I'd walked in. I'd gained nearly 40 pounds, and the feisty, fiercely independent spirit I'd been known for as a child was on her way back in (close to) full force.

Although I was still significantly underweight and terrified to leave the security of the hospital, my medical team managed to convince the caseworkers to grant me emancipation. At 17, I re-entered the "real world" as a legally recognized adult.

My doctor at Children's helped me make arrangements to move into a garage apartment with a close family friend near the hospital. I got a job at a local Starbucks, started applying for college, and, by the grace of who-knows-what, was offered almost free weekly therapy by a psychologist who'd treated me at Children's.

Three months later, I took my first yoga class. I was lucky. I was blessed. I was given enough resources to put the fragments of my broken life back together.

My hope is that my story might serve as a beacon of hope for people grappling with their own inner demons in silence and isolation. Whether it's an eating disorder, abandonment, depression or addiction, please know:

There is a way out. You don't have to suffer alone. There are people out there who want to love you, who would be honored to bear witness to your pain. Healing doesn't happen in a vacuum. We are human and we have an inherent need to see and be seen, to touch and be touched. No one heals heartbreak alone.

For the broader community, I hope this story will diminish some of the stigma and misperceptions about eating disorders. Many of us have been taught that people with eating disorders simply want to be skinny, feel like they have to look like supermodels to be worth anything, or just have an unhealthy "need for control." Those are all symptoms of an eating disorder, not the cause.

I realized that I feel like a child who was once desperately thirsty, who was given enough water to survive and shake her thirst, and now feels compelled to go out and give water to anyone who's parched. "Look! Water! I know, isn't it good?! Drink up!!" When I see people drink the water, I can't even describe the feeling -- it's as if I'm experiencing the first sip all over again. It brings me incredible joy, even healing. It's an act of alchemy. It allows me to make light of some of the darkest days of my life.

I once had a therapist who, when asked how I could ever repay her for all she'd given me, told me: "Your life will be all the thanks I need." This is how I thank her. This is how I thank all those who helped me find my way out of the darkness. Share the water.

Destination Recover(ed): Day 656

September 27, 2012:

What I don't miss about my eating disorder: Believing that I can't do this. I think there is a HUGE difference between believing you can't do this and feeling like you can't do this. I still have days, many days, when I feel like I can't do this anymore, like no matter how hard I try my eating disorder answers back faster, hits harder, speaks louder, grows stronger and digs in deeper until I'm at the point where I don't feel like I can take it anymore and the tears roll down my face and I feel tired. I feel defeated... But I fight anyway. And I don't miss believing that I can't. I think that's what you just have to do, Fight anyway. You be Strong anyway. You be Brave and have Courage anyway. You Show Up for Yourself and stare the IMPOSSIBLE in the face and you just RECOVER anyway.

What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder: The days when I feel fine but I'm not, the days when I look at myself and struggle with my intake because I feel like I look fine and I don't feel sick or weak or tired and I still have to drink how many Ensures? And I still have to pump how many CCs through a tube in my nose? But I'm fine, I feel FINE! And then I want to punch Scarlett in the face when she says FUCKED UP. INSECURE. NEUROTIC. & EMOTIONAL. Which I know she'll say in her head when she reads this. I'm not going to miss feeling FINE and yet being far from it. Fine sucks. I say Fuck You Fine.

Destination Recover(ed): Day 41

September 26, 2012

What I don't miss about my eating disorder: When my automatic reaction to any situation and feeling was to instantly numb out. I didn't even have to think about it, like the flipping of a switch, I never had a chance to decide how I actually felt, it was just automatically nothing. Not happy, not sad, or excited or scared or angry or curious. I just stayed in a emotionally protected bubble. That's boring. So maybe I'm a hypersensitive, I'm adjusting and coping, and the upside to feeling so very sad or so very angry is that I also get to be so very happy, so very excited, so very loved ... and so very loved isn't so very bad :-)

What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder: I can almost guarantee that when I can rely on a regular intake of solid nourishment, when I drink my last drop of Ensure Plus, it will be my last drop forever. I will proudly wear my Body By Ensure tshirt because I don't ever want go back to Ensuring. There's too much good food out there. I'm hitting the ground running, that is, once I'm finally strong enough to run.

Destination Recover(ed): Day 40

September 25, 2012

What I don't miss about my eating disorder: Thinking I could live forever with an eating disorder. Thinking I could figure out a way to manage life and just keep it under control, just get better enough, just go to therapy enough, just keep a small part of it and I would be ok. I don't miss that way of thinking, it doesn't work out that way. It's never just a little bit of an eating disorder, you don't just kind of live, you kind of die. And dead is dead, even if just a little.

What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder: Having thoughts (at times) that I can give a worth to my eating disorder. Luckily I have people in my life, the best people, who keep me grounded and remind me that no one deserves this, no one is worth this suffering and everyone deserves to recover.

Destination Recover(ed): Day 39

September 24, 2012

What I don't miss about my eating disorder: When a regular IV wasn't a sufficient way to replace potassium and a PICC line was required. One time was enough to never need that again. This is not to say that I have never again had critical electrolytes, but only one time when an IV wouldn't replenish fast enough to either show signs of improving or correct an EKG. They are painful. And I won't ever not miss it.

What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder: Talking about PICC lines. Having memories that revolve around being sick, being in hospitals, being in treatment, traumas, therapies, eating disorders. I'm making me some new, more interesting memories. I've already got a few non eating disordered memories up there and they are ones if the most awesome kind.

Destination Recover(ed): Day 38

September 23, 2012

What I don't miss about my eating disorder: When I walked out of a residential inpatient facility after 12 days and my big sister called me on my cell phone and begged me not to leave. When I told her I was already at the airport she broke down crying. I don't miss that conversation, or what it felt like to hear the desperation in her pleas and her cries. I chose my eating disorder over myself, over my family. That makes me sad, I felt ashamed. It made me angry later and it breaks my heart now. I don't miss when my eating disorder was more important than my family, more important than my life.

What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder: In my family, we eat at the table, as a family. We always have, and I'm not going to miss sitting at the table with an empty plate.

50 Pre/Post Fitness Snack Ideas!

By Kellie Davis
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day for some, but for those who manage to squeeze some gym time into their routine, pre- and post-workout foods can be just as huge. While everyone’s nutritional requirements are different depending on their goals and activities, these snacks can offer the right balance of carbohydrates, fats, and protein to satisfy hunger, fuel workouts, and aid in recovery. Read on for Greatist’s 50 favorite pre- and post-workout snacks, including some go-to recipes from our trusted health and fitness pros.

Pre-Workout Snacks

The body works to build muscle and recover 24 hours a day, not just during that one-hour session at the gym. Luckily, smartly timed snacks can give the body the fuel it needs to gain muscle, burn fat, and recover as best it can. Pre-workout, that usually means grabbing a snack about 30-60 minutes in advance, depending on its size and contents, and how much that stomach’s actually grumbling. All ready to go? Check out these 25 options to start things right:

1. Protein Creamcicle: Put a twist on the classic kids’ treat by blending 1 scoop vanilla whey protein powder, 1 cup orange juice, and 1 cup ice. Trainer and fitness expert @JCDFitness does it!

2. Fruitsation shake: Blend 1 scoop of your favorite whey protein flavor with ½ cup ice, and 1 cup frozen berries for a sweet energy boost, suggests strength coach @Roglaw.

3. Cha-Cha coconut shake: Infuse 1 scoop chocolate whey protein with 2 teaspoons of extra virgin coconut oil. Girls Gone Strong co-founder @JenComasKeck loves this!

4. Star-buffs shake: Need a pre-workout pick-me-up? Greatist’s fitness editor suggests blending 1 cup iced coffee (keep the ice) with 1 scoop chocolate whey protein.

5. Dressed up oats: Load up on carbohydrates for a longer workout with ½ cup cooked steel-cut oats topped with 1 tablespoon dried fruit and 1 tablespoon shaved almonds.

6. Perfect yogurt parfait: Feeling fancy, huh? Top ¼ cup nonfat yogurt with ½ cup whole grain cereal and ½ cup fresh strawberries.

7. Yoberries a-go-go: For the perfect blend of carbs and protein, try 1 cup non-fat vanilla bean Greek yogurt — which often packs more protein and probiotics than regular plain yogurt — with ½ cup fresh blueberries.

8. Eggs n’ toast: Have a heartier appetite? Try 1 or 2 hard-boiled eggs with 1 slice of whole-wheat toast.

9. Fruit and Cottage: Top ½ cup cottage cheese — a low calorie and higher protein option — with ½ cup fresh pineapple, berries, or melon. And voila!

10. PB Apple: For a quick carb fuel-up, slice 1 medium apple and serve with 2 tablespoons all-natural peanut butter.

11. Classic fruit cup: Prefer to keep it sweet but simple? Combine 1 cup berries, melon, banana, and oranges — oh my!

12. Dried fruit: For a quick pre-workout fix, try ¼ cup serving of dried berries, apricots, and pineapple, says Greatist Expert Jessica Redmond.

13. Fruit leather: Need something light that makes you feel like a kid again? Try 1 single serving of fruit leather. Have a little extra time? Roll some out in the kitchen.

14. Energy in a bar: With so many options in the aisle, try opting for a bar with the most natural ingredients. While protein count is key, also check the sugar content (it shouldn’t rival what’s found in the candy aisle!).

15. Chicken n’ sweets: For a fast bite, grab 2-4 ounces (or a palm-sized amount) of sliced chicken with an equal portion size of sweet potatoes, suggests Greatist Expert Dan Trink.

16. Oats n’ eggs: Not just for breakfast, try ½ cup cooked oatmeal and 2 whole eggs seasoned with salt and pepper.

17. PB & B toast: Fuel up with 1-2 tablespoons of all-natural peanut butter and half a sliced banana on whole-wheat toast, says Greatist Expert Lisa Moskovitz.

18. Turk-cado pasta: Add 2-4 ounces (or a palm-sized amount) of roasted turkey and 3-4 avocado slices to ½ cup cooked whole-wheat pasta for some enviable eats.

19. Wafflewich: Spruce up this classic by combining 1 frozen Kashi waffle with 2 teaspoons of almond butter and 1 teaspoon of jam.

20. Better than a PB Cup: A half-cup cooked oats with 1 teaspoon defatted peanut flour, a dash of stevia, and a sprinkling of cocoa powder on top — a concoction from the kitchen of Greatist contributor David Butler.

21. Veggie omelet: Add a little more color to your diet by combining 2 whole eggs shaken with 1 teaspoon of water cooked with 1 cup sautéed seasonal veggies.

22. Rice con leche: Got a long way to run? Fuel up with ½ cup cooked rice, covered with ½ cup milk, a scatter of raisins, and a dash of cinnamon on top.

23. Sports drink: An 8-ounce low sugar sports drink (keep it under 10 grams of sugar) will do the trick if you’re in a crunch. For a little more fuel, add a scoop of BCAA powder— branch chain amino acids that help maintain muscle and tissue health[1].

24. Hearty salad: Need some greens? Try 1 cup of salad greens with assorted veggies, 1 hardboiled egg, and a drizzle of EVOO and vinegar, or your favorite low-fat dressing.

25. Energy gel: Got a long way to go? Slurp down a energy gel (like Gu) prior to an endurance workout.

Post-Workout Snacks

After a tough gym session, post-workout snacks are an imporant way to restore energy and rebuild muscle, too. Downed within two hours after exercise, protein-packed shakes and snacks are a great way to rebuild tissue that breaks down during exercise. Here are 25 ways to end that workout on a high note:

26. Protein pancakes: From the kitchen of Greatist contributor Laura Skladzinski, mix 4 egg whites, ½ cup rolled oats, ½ cup low fat cottage cheese, 1/8 teaspoon baking powder, and ½ teaspoon pure vanilla extract. Cook on preheated griddle (medium low heat) until it bubbles, then flip and cook another 30-60 seconds. Top with fresh berries or sliced banana.

27. Sweet potato pie shake: This isn’t your grandma’s recipe. Combine 1 scoop of cinnamon bun whey protein, ¼ cup diced cooked sweet potato, 1 cup of ice, and 1 cup vanilla almond milk in the blender — a Kellie Davis original.

28. Chunky Monkey shake: Monkey around with 1 medium banana, 1 tablespoon peanut butter, and 1 cup low-fat chocolate milk blended with ice.

29. Double G shake: Aussie strength coach @Rachel_Guy1 recommends an 8-ounce greens drink (any superfood blend found at most health food stores) with 1 scoop of glutamine.

30. Double Trouble shake: To lengthen the delivery time of nutrients to your muscles, combine ½ scoop of whey protein blended with ½ scoop slower-digesting casein protein, plus a handful of your favorite fresh or frozen fruit.

31. Bananarama: One medium sliced banana with 1 cup low fat milk — it doesn’t get any easier than this!

32. Protein bar: For a quick, store-bought fix, feed those muscles with a protein bar. Just watch the sugar content. Look for bars with 10-30 grams of protein, less than 10 grams of sugar, and the fewest number of ingredients you can’t pronounce!

33. Beef and squash: Need something hearty? Try a handful of lean roast beef with an equal portion of butternut squash.

34. Tuna crackers: Mix up a batch of light tuna salad for a quick bite. Add two heaping spoonfuls to a handful of whole grain crackers, and chomp away.

35. Bagel with egg whites: Half a medium-sized whole grain bagel with 2 eggs whites makes a great post-workout sandwich.

36. Ants on a raft: The ants go marching… Spread a heap of natural peanut butter over a brown rice cake and top with raisins.

37. Milk and cereal: Any time is a good time for cereal. Add 1 cup of low-fat milk to 1 cup of whole-grain cereal. Nosh loudly.

38. Chocolate milk: One to two cups of low-fat chocolate milk seals the deal with extra carbs and protein.

39. Black bean omelet: Four eggs whites, 1 ounce low-fat cheese, and ¼ cup canned black beans — then spice it up with a savory salsa, if you dare.

40. Green Monster smoothie: Blend 4 cups spinach, ½ cup vanilla bean yogurt, 1 cup almond milk, 1 banana, and 1 tablespoon peanut butter with ice — a favorite of Greatist contributor Claudine Morgan via Iowa Girl Eats.

41. Cottage cheese crunch: One cup fat-free cottage cheese, 1 teaspoon honey, ½ cup whole-grain cereal, and a dash of cinnamon does a body good.

42. Eggy muffinwich: Ditch the fast-food and opt for 1 whole egg, fresh spinach, 1 slice low fat cheese, and 1 slice Canadian bacon served on an English muffin, suggests Greatist contributor Lisa LaValle Overmyer.

43. BCAA n’ cakes: When in doubt, just add cakes! Pair up two scoops of BCAA powder mixed in ice water with two rice cakes.

44. Recovery in a bottle: When time is of the essence, grab a store-bought recovery drink to sip on after training. Just check the label — sports recovery drinks will provide plenty of carbs refuel, or opt for aminos to really rebuild.

45. Apples and cheese: Tease your taste buds with 1 medium sliced apple and 1 stick of low-fat string cheese.

46. Pita and hummus: One 7-inch pita with two spoonfuls of hummus adds a little pep back to your step with quick digesting carbs.

47. Egg scramble: Veg out after a hard training session with 2-3 whole eggs scrambled with a handful of chopped onion, spinach, and bell peppers.

48. Choco-tropical trail mix: Go bananas for a blend of ½ a handful of each: macadamia nuts, dried coconut, dark chocolate chips, and banana chips.

49. AB & J Rice Cakes: Almond butter takes the cake. For this healthier twist on the classic PB & J, sandwich 1 tablespoon of almond butter and 1 teaspoon of strawberry jam between two rice cakes.

50. Chicken hash: After your workout grab 1 cup cooked diced chicken, ½ cup butternut squash and apples, roasted in olive oil, salt, and pepper. Make a big batch and store it in the fridge!

Destination Recover(ed): Day 37

September 21, 2012

What I don't miss about my eating disorder: In 2008 I missed out on an AWESOME Halloween party with my friends because I was in the hospital. I didn't get to help decorate (which I love) and I didn't get to help make all the fun Halloween themes snacks ... which is my ultimate love! I had to experience it all through pictures, which sucked. It looked so fun! Everyone in costumes, drinking and eating and dancing and playing games! I also missed the presidential election that followed almost a week later. History was being made and I could only watch it on the TV from my hospital bed, a bed armed with an ear piercing alarm if I got off it. This was the stay when I learned I only had one kidney and it was in renal failure because of my eating disorder. As I start planning for one of my little sister's baby shower, I don't miss when I was too sick to be able to do these things! I don't miss having to miss out.

What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder: Being, at times, impatient with my recovery. Some days I am so done with it because I just want to be recovered, I want to be done with my eating disorder. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. There is a process, there is everything to learn, like in the same way that an infant is not born into the world walking and talking and potty trained! It takes time to do it right so it works.

Destination Recover(ed): Day 36

September 20, 2012

What I don't miss about my eating disorder: There was a long period if time when I used to binge and purge, then I moved in to just purging, and then in to starving. As I progress in my recovery I think it's a good thing to remind myself of this, and maybe it will help ease my fears around eating real food again.

What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder: Knowing that I have a preference between Boost, Ensure, Equate and Glucerna. And given a blind test, I would be able to tell the difference.

Destination Recover(ed): Day 35

September 19, 2012

What I don't miss about my eating disorder: I don't miss the years I refused to eat hot foods. Food could be cooked, but I wouldn't eat anything that was warm or hot in temperature. Everything had to be cold. This included hot coffee... I think now, as I sip on my beautifully rich, hot steaming mug of Cafe Appassionato (my personal fav), how could I have deprived myself from this?!

What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder: Feeling old. Everything aches, I'm always sore, creaky, uncomfortable ...

Four (That's 4, folks) YEARS Recover(ed) Today!

Scarlett! I hope you are well! I just wanted to thank you for being such a huge part of my recovery. I am four years recovered and I look forward to the future! There were few who really stood by me and were instrumental in my process - you are one of them. So every year on this day (even though I give thanks daily), I want to express my gratitude. So again, thank you, thank you, thank you! Keep doing what you're doing and loving on those who feel unlovable.

Cheers,
RM

RM, you fantastic goddess of motherhood, you need to know something VERY important. You, my dear, birthed your own recovery, the same way you birthed those beautiful children. The way you feel blessed, and would rather be no where else but in your their presence, is what I felt each day I saw you. I was fortunate to witness your recovery, and thank you for allowing me into your darkest place. You hatched, my dear. As slimy and ugly and torturous at times that it was, you became strong and broke the shackles of that egg that confined you from life. I got to watch your little chicken foot bust out the walls of that shell, get scared and pull back into the warmth of the familiar. I was there when your little beak poked through to smell life outside your eating disorder, and decide it was scary but worth emerging into. And gloriously of all miracles, I watched you tumble out of your shattered eating disorder and learn to live a full and meaningful life. I, my dear, am the blessed and fortunate one, thank you!
Yours Always,

Scarlett

Destination Recover(ed): Day 33

September 17, 2012

What I don't miss about my eating disorder: Not knowing and believing with every ounce of me, that what I don't want is to be sick any more. Today was particularly emotional and I was forced to come face to face with my belief of my own recovery. And I feel more confident than ever that I am doing the impossible for me, because of what I want for my life. I don't miss being ambivalent about recovering and I fully understand and believe the reasons why I'm doing this, and those reasons are worth this. I am worth this.

What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder: I won't miss the emotional toll my eating disorder takes on me. Days like today when I can't stop crying. It's good, because I'm allowing myself to process this, usually I go into auto pilot and turn everything off. Everything is new, and everything is overwhelming, eventually all this will be second nature and I won't be so sad and overwhelmed and when that day comes, I will continue to not miss it.

Destination Recover(ed): Day 32

September 16, 2012

What I don't miss about my eating disorder: Calorie counting. When what I allowed myself to eat was controlled by what the nutrition labels said. I have learned everything there is to know about food, food labels, how the body uses and breaks down food, how it's stored, how it's depleted ... That is no longer the basis for food options. I pick food challenges based on how it feels, sounds, smell, spices and herbs. If I can taste it, and I like it then it's good. If I don't like it, then I don't have to eat it, but the calories? Not a factor anymore.

What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder: When I run into people I haven't seen in a long time and they are shocked that I'm still alive.

Destination Recover(ed): Day 31

September 15, 2012

What I don't miss about my eating disorder: A year and a half ago, when I first came back to see Scarlett, I had my feeding tube that I sometimes used, and an intake that consisted of ensure, if I felt like I needed it or wanted it. Now? I've been consistent with daily intake of Ensures and a nightly intake on my feeding tube. I don't miss living off of air, expecting my body to heal itself. I like my stability and consistency.

What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder: When I get ickly sick and have to decide when Im ok to stay home, rest and tough it out ... or make the decision of defeat and go to the ER. That time spent grappling between wanting to be well enough and strong enough and not wanting to concede to the fact that my eating disorder has taken my health and nothing in me is strong enough to handle a simple cold or flu ... I'm not going to miss having to make that decision.

Destination Recover(ed): Day 30

Destination Recover(ed): Day 30
September 14, 2012

What I don't miss about my eating disorder: I don't miss the moment I saw it in my Dad's face when he first realized that my eating disorder was a problem... I don't miss watching my loved ones grapple with their feelings about it, switching between disappointment and concern, love and anger, not being able to understand and still trying to do what they believed was right... All the while I am pushing them all away, begging them to leave me alone. I don't miss the emotional pain from getting and remaining sick, or seeing it in my loved ones faces as they stood by and watched.

What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder: The skipping heart beats. It's not painful, it's more like a shot of adrenaline I guess. Like having the wind knocked out of you. I call it flutterflies. It's a weird flutter feeling. It gives me anxieties, and it's a little scary. I want my heart to be strong.

Destination Recover(ed): Day 29

September 13, 2012

What I don't miss about my eating disorder: Being afraid to accept being loved because I didn't believe I deserved it. Now, I have a better understanding of where I have been in my life, and the things and trauma that have happened to me. I deserve to be loved, either way, I know that now. And there is a crap ton of love all around me, unconditional love, I believe it was there all the time, I just couldn't ever see it before this journey.

What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder: Have I mentioned that I despise Make Ups? Because today my Not Going To Miss is: Not Drinking Ensures when I need to. I HATE making them up. So, when this part is over, the fucking around with my intake, when I no longer require 'monitoring', I won't miss it. I won't miss needing it.

Destination Recover(ed): Day 30

September 12, 2012

What I don't miss about my eating disorder: When one of my sisters apologized to me because she felt so helpless and I had gotten so sick that instead of trying to understand and help me, that she would avoid me so she didn't have to watch me die and she thought if she learned to distance herself from me now then it would be easier for her to deal with my death.

What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder: Body distortion. The fact that I don't see what everyone else does is a mind warp. I just started doing body image work a few weeks ago, so this concept has been really difficult to wrap my brain around. Feeling a little confused. I will be happy when I have a healthier understanding.

Destination Recover(ed): Day 27

September 11, 2012

What I don't miss about my eating disorder: The day I was told I have Osteoporosis. And it wasn't just hearing the news, but it was also the way the news was delivered. The medical doctor took me outside, sat me down, and through his gum chewing said, "You have Osteoperosis, but because of your age we have to call it Osteopenia because you're not post menopause." Then he showed me some charts. All I could think about was him smacking that fucking gum. He didn't even take his sunglasses off. And then I was left to myself to "digest the news". Really? Who says that? He's a doctor for a major eating disorder treatment facility!

What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder: The sensitivity to temperature. I'm not always too cold. It takes just as much time for me to get too hot as it does for me to get too cold. Living in Seattle, it's colder here so I feel cold all the time. I'm actually dreading the winter. Being cold, it's excruciating. It's deep down in the bone, blue lips, freezing cold. I cry a lot in the winter because of the pain from being cold. I hate being cold. And it's hard on my body because my muscles are constantly tensed up. I'm not looking forward to Winter.

Destination Recover(ed): Day 26

September 10, 2012

What I don't miss about my eating disorder: Being doped up on meds. I pretty much have the stucco patterns from the walls memorized from one of the treatment centers i was in. There was a lot of sitting on couches staring at the walls because it seems every problem was answered with a pill.

What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder: The days when the list of things I'm not going to miss is longer than the list of things I don't miss.