Ramey Nutrition's Rachel Myhre, MS, RD, CD

• "When I first came to Ramey and met Rachel, I was understandably tentative opening up to a stranger about such a painful thing like an eating disorder. However, Rachel approached the relationship at the same pace as me, and I quickly realized how safe and cared for I felt. She is professional and personal at the same time. She's my dietitian, but she is also my friend and ally. Each session with her is different, but I always have something to think about or work on when I leave, and no matter how hard it was, I always know that her intention is to help me get better. Though recovery has felt impossible at times, with Rachel as my provider and the Ramey team by my side, I know it will be a reality for me soon." -Recently Recovered Patient TF
  

Weight Stigma Awareness Week

Ramey Nutrition is honoring Binge Eating Disorder Association's National "Weight Stigma Awareness Week" September 23-27, 2013 by sharing some of our intimate weight stigma experiences.  We would love your participation with any submitted stories, experiences, poetry, art or videos.  Please send all submissions to my direct email at: scarlett@rameynutrition.com

Just to show how weight stigma is all around us, one of Ramey Nutrition’s employees, Rachel was willing to share about when she went to Albania with a group from her church. Rachel’s friend, Haley, and her husband were also on this trip. When the group was in Albania, they befriended many of the people living in the area. Rachel overheard a conversation that Haley had with one of the Albanian men. Haley was explaining to him which man was her husband. She said, “My husband is the guy over there with the white t-shirt on.” The Albanian friend responded by saying, “Oh, the fat one!”

                Later on, Haley and her husband were approached by another Albanian who had also overheard the conversation. He told them that they shouldn't be offended by the description of “fat”. He went on to explain how calling somebody fat in Albania is very similar to calling someone tall, short, blonde, or brunette.

Isn't it interesting how many connotations we have for the word "Fat" and how it has become such an emotional trigger for us, where in other countries, it is just a simple descriptor.

Still, Stuck, and Paralyzed

I'm sitting in my bed at 3:40am experiencing the biggest Ambien FAIL known to man and I realize that I don't know how to feel what I'm feeling right now and it's pouring out my eyeballs. I'm overwhelmed. I think I'm having a normal "healthy" reaction to what's happening in my life. I feel a little withdrawn because I'm afraid that if I put myself in a social situation right now, I'm going to burst into tears in the middle of a conversation that I wouldn't even be paying attention to and wouldn't be able to explain why.  I'm not sad, although I can't seem to stop crying. I'm exhausted, although I can't seem to sleep. I should be focusing on my intake and my recovery and not falling in to my eating disorder, although I don't feel like consuming anything. I believe this to be normal but it feels so foreign to me. With my eating disorder, whether or not I starved myself or ate, there was a desire either way. A desire to refuse the food or a desire to eat it. A desire to fight it or give in. There was something there, some kind of feeling. Right now, I don't feel anything either way, except that I don't like it and have no desire to change it right now. I expect this will change after I finally get sleep, and then a hundred times over again. 

To Blog Or Not To Blog ...

I went on a blogging hiatus while I tried to figure out the delicate balance between recovering from an eating disorder and being a kidney patient. Most of the time I end up shutting it all out by compartmentalizing, putting it away in my head and just going through the motions, staying in this weird limbo. How can I honestly say that I'm doing everything I can to save my kidney when I still suffer from eating disorder? Am I recovering? You bet your ass I am. But it isn't possible to just get over an eating disorder, simply because I now have a new diagnosis. If I could just get over it, I wouldn't actually have an eating disorder and we'd be discussing a problem that doesn't actually exist. 

I'm not perfect and I'll call you a liar and tell you that you don't actually know me if you think I am. But I'll do the same if you don't actually think that I'm giving it my all and doing the best that I can. If it were as simple as picking up a hamburger and going to town on a plate of french fries then by all means, fire up the grill and pass the ketchup ... but I think we all know it doesn't work that way. 

Today I met with my nephrologist (kidney doc) and received my referral to the vascular surgeon for a preoperative vascular access/dialysis evaluation. I was also officially referred for transplant. Transplant. AYFKM? I've been an eating disorder patient my whole life (well 2/3rds of my life) and these are words that I feel should not be in my vocabulary. I don't know how to be a kidney patient. 

Scarlett says I have to separate the two, so I'm going to work on doing that. Maybe the key to getting through this is realizing that I can be an eating disorder patient working on my recovery AND a kidney patient starting the road to recovery via dialysis and/or (hopefully or) transplant. It'll be kind of like ... multi-tasking. Anyway, I think I'll stick to blogging during this process because I do not want to lose ground in my eating disorder recovery. I need to make sure I don't let my eating disorder become the way I cope with my kidney and I also need to make sure that my eating disorder recovery does not get lost to my kidney recovery. Let the multi-tasking begin.

What I do not miss about my eating disorder at this point in my recovery: Not having control over my thoughts. I love that I can break away from the eating disorder chaos in my brain and think about other things, future plans. I like that I can have day dreams about something other than an eating disorder related issue or thought. And I love that it happens naturally and I can experience what it feels like to have moments of freedom.

What I am not going to miss about my eating disorder once I'm recover(ed): Being denied a fun afternoon jogging around Greenlake with my friends and then going to eat frozen yogurt afterwards. When I'm recovered, I'm going to go to run  Greenlake every day, and I'm going to run with a handful of crab cakes from Tom Douglas' restaurants, and I'm going to do it in neon green shoes, because I can.

Night Baker finds strength, healing in blog readers By Candice Madsen March 11th, 2013

 The Night Baker Video

 

OREM — For a Utah woman battling anorexia, sharing her story with the world ultimately helped save her life.

It's been five months since KSL met Camilla Kuhns — known in the blogosphere as the Night Baker. Camilla bakes and blogs in hopes of raising enough money to overcome her anorexia for good.
Camilla checked into the Center for Change in Orem, not knowing how long she'd be able to afford to stay. Treatment costs $900 a day.
But Camilla said the generosity of family, friends and strangers who follow her blog kept the money and support coming, giving her the funds and the strength to fight for her life.

I'm so much more fun and I enjoy things more. I am excited about my life and that is so much better than being skinny.

–Camilla Kuhns, Night Baker

Five months ago, doctors told Camilla she could have a heart attack at any moment. Her eating disorder has controlled her life for 18 long years.

"This has been a crutch for me for so long," she said. "I just feel like I'm losing my crutch."
Camilla entered treatment terrified to let go of the habits that were killing her. But now, five months later, she has a new take on life.
"I feel so much better," she said. "I'm so much more fun and I enjoy things more. I am excited about my life and that is so much better than being skinny."
Her family is grateful to have this Camilla back.
"I have my daughter back," said David Kuhns, Camilla's father. "She is fun. She's energetic. She's all the things that I knew she was."
Camilla said treatment wasn't easy. She wanted to quit many times, but she knew people all over the world were praying for her.

My dream as a child was to grow up and not be an anorexic woman. I'm getting back to that person who has other dreams, better dreams, and it is just a really good feeling.

–Camilla

"They really saved my life by following the blog and reminding me that I had an audience and that it wasn't just about me," she said.

Camilla didn't realize the full impact she'd had on others until she met a woman who went into treatment because of Camilla's story.
"It's so humbling because this woman is so incredible and she has a family and she is so successful," she said. "I though that if this is the only person who saw my story and got anything out of it then it was so worth any ridicule I've gotten from sharing my blog."
Camilla hasn't completely conquered her eating disorder.
"It's still there and it yells at me sometimes, but I feel like my voice is louder now," she said.
For the first time in almost twenty years, Camilla said she finally feels in control of her future.
"My dream as a child was to grow up and not be an anorexic woman," she said. "I'm getting back to that person who has other dreams, better dreams, and it is just a really good feeling."
Camilla will receive a few more weeks of outpatient treatment at a center in Arizona as she makes the transition back into the real world.

 

Recovery Day Program Patient Testimonial

Ramey Nutrition is a good fit from my recovery because theprogram allows me to live in a real world setting while being in the recoveryprocess. Yes, I will admit, this hasn’t been anywhere near easy and I believethat is why I have had an intense time adjusting to there being more “freedom”with my recovery. This is something that I am DEFINITELY not used to with onlyexperiencing inpatient, residential and Partial Hospitalization Programs (PHP).When I did go to another program, it was acclaimed to be PHP, although it feltmore like I was trapped in a place and I HAD to recover. Being here at RameyNutrition I have the choice to recover. I am scared shitless of gaining weight,fearful of finding my true self. Having those feelings come up, having to facethem is something I am going to experience while I recover. It’s not going tobe easy or fun, and I am ready to be uncomfortable with eating and keeping fooddown. I am taking the next step to gain weight because I want my lifeback. I want to live, be happy, and spend time with my family.

I WANT LIFE AND I WANT ME BACK!!!!

            I am going to do everything in mypower to get that back. By committing myself to that, I WILL:

·        Eat

·        Gainweight

·        Goto therapy

·        Workmy ass off day in and day out, every second to be closer to life

·        Bereal, honest, open, authentic

·        Havedifficult days, struggle AND get through them, continuing to push forward

I am tired of dying and I am going to start living byreviving myself and I truly believe without a doubt that Ramey Nutrition is theplace for recovery and regaining my life back.

-         A.D.

Ramey Nutrition Recovery Day Program Patient

From 58 pounds to thriving By Chelsea Roff

How yoga helped an anorexic recover

STORY HIGHLIGHTS

• Chelsea Roff nearly died from severe anorexia and its complications
• She spent 16 months in Children's Medical Center Dallas
• She says she was lucky to get enough resources to put her life back together
• Now, Roff wants her story to be a "beacon of hope" for others who might be suffering

Editor's note: In the Human Factor, we profile survivors who have overcome the odds. Confronting a life obstacle -- injury, illness or other hardship -- they tapped their inner strength and found resilience they didn't know they possessed. This week we introduce you to Chelsea Roff, who had a stroke at 15 brought on by her severe anorexia. At the time she arrived at Children's Medical Center Dallas, she weighed 58 pounds. Now 23, Roff is a writer, speaker and yoga instructor.

(CNN) -- The first emotion I remember is rage. It was a violent, fire-in-your-veins, so angry-you-could-kill-someone kind of rage.

I wanted out. I wanted the pain to be over. I wanted to die. I was mad at myself for not having the courage to just do it quickly, angry at the hospital staff for thwarting my masked attempt.

I was convinced that I was "meant to" endure this, that my long, drawn-out starving to death would prove my willpower to God. In the days prior to my stroke, I'd had vivid hallucinations -- of Jesus on a wooden cross outside my bedroom window and a satanic figure sneaking up under my bedroom covers to suffocate me at night. I thought I was meant to be a martyr. I thought God wanted me to die.

As the fury subsided, delirium set in. I became confused, defiant and completely irrational. I told the doctors that they couldn't possibly keep me overnight, because my family didn't have insurance or money to pay. When a cardiologist responded that she wasn't sure if I'd live another week, I told her she was full of s---.

I hid the food they were trying to make me eat in my underwear, in flowerpots, even in my cheeks like a chipmunk -- certain no one would notice. I didn't want to get better. I was convinced nothing was wrong.

I remember having nurses turn me over in the middle of the night to tend to the bed sores on my behind, places where the skin was so thin that my tailbone was starting to protrude through the flesh.

I remember waking up to discover I'd wet the bed nearly every morning for the first three months I was hospitalized. I was ashamed, disgusted. I'd lost control of the muscles in my bladder; I was like an infant all over again. I remember shooting a nurse the bird when she told me I couldn't walk, only to crumble to the floor when I angrily pushed the wheelchair away to give it a try.

Unbeknownst to me at the time, my arrival at the hospital had launched an investigation by Child Protective Services back at my home in Austin. The caseworkers deemed my mother an "unfit parent" and my sister and I were placed under custodianship of the state. My care was left to the doctors and nurses at Children's, while my sister was sent to live with our godparents. My mother, herself an alcoholic and anorexic, had literally drunk herself into oblivion (she was later diagnosed with Wernicke's Syndrome, a form of alcohol-induced dementia).

I spent the next 16 months of my life in that hospital. I completed my junior and senior years of high school through a distance education program, talked my way through hundreds of hours of individual and group therapy and slowly, painfully worked to bring my body and mind back to life.

When Medicaid finally pulled the plug on funding for my treatment, I was unrecognizable from the day I'd walked in. I'd gained nearly 40 pounds, and the feisty, fiercely independent spirit I'd been known for as a child was on her way back in (close to) full force.

Although I was still significantly underweight and terrified to leave the security of the hospital, my medical team managed to convince the caseworkers to grant me emancipation. At 17, I re-entered the "real world" as a legally recognized adult.

My doctor at Children's helped me make arrangements to move into a garage apartment with a close family friend near the hospital. I got a job at a local Starbucks, started applying for college, and, by the grace of who-knows-what, was offered almost free weekly therapy by a psychologist who'd treated me at Children's.

Three months later, I took my first yoga class. I was lucky. I was blessed. I was given enough resources to put the fragments of my broken life back together.

My hope is that my story might serve as a beacon of hope for people grappling with their own inner demons in silence and isolation. Whether it's an eating disorder, abandonment, depression or addiction, please know:

There is a way out. You don't have to suffer alone. There are people out there who want to love you, who would be honored to bear witness to your pain. Healing doesn't happen in a vacuum. We are human and we have an inherent need to see and be seen, to touch and be touched. No one heals heartbreak alone.

For the broader community, I hope this story will diminish some of the stigma and misperceptions about eating disorders. Many of us have been taught that people with eating disorders simply want to be skinny, feel like they have to look like supermodels to be worth anything, or just have an unhealthy "need for control." Those are all symptoms of an eating disorder, not the cause.

I realized that I feel like a child who was once desperately thirsty, who was given enough water to survive and shake her thirst, and now feels compelled to go out and give water to anyone who's parched. "Look! Water! I know, isn't it good?! Drink up!!" When I see people drink the water, I can't even describe the feeling -- it's as if I'm experiencing the first sip all over again. It brings me incredible joy, even healing. It's an act of alchemy. It allows me to make light of some of the darkest days of my life.

I once had a therapist who, when asked how I could ever repay her for all she'd given me, told me: "Your life will be all the thanks I need." This is how I thank her. This is how I thank all those who helped me find my way out of the darkness. Share the water.

Destination Recover(ed): Day 677

Thanksgiving was pretty awesome this year. In the past it has always been a chaotic time. Ever year I intend on arriving at my Dad's early in the morning so I can feel like I got to spend enough time over there before having to leave to go to my Mom's for second Thanksgiving (which is a fucking nightmare if you have an eating disorder. As if ONE Thanksgiving dinner isn't traumatizing enough). I never want to leave my Dad's house when it comes time to go and I always wish I had gotten there earlier so it could feel like I stayed longer. So far this has never happened. I'm always running late. If I want to be at Dad's by 9am it's almost guaranteed that I will actually make it there around noon. We do a pot luck Thanksgiving at my Dad's. Dad and Mom always do the turkey (this year they deep fried it. *Awesome* fun times not blowing the house up!) and stuffing and then everyone else brings a side dish. We sign up on the list. It's fun. I made fresh from scratch (NOT from a can) green bean casserole and also fresh homemade cranberry sauce (plus I brought the kind in a can for my sister, who loves it). This year I was ready! This year I was on schedule! Car loaded Thanksgiving Eve, ready to roll out of my driveway at 7am to drive from Stanwood to Shoreline to pick up my friend Natalie by 8am and then make the 1.5 hour drive to my Dad's arriving around 9:30am! No muss, no fuss, no chaos, no anxiety. 
Per usual I was late this year ... BUT not as late as the previous years, so we're making progress already! Last minute I decided to  prepare everything for my Mom that she wasn't able to get done because she was working back to back to back to back schedules at work. I think it's awesome that my Mom is the big head honcho where she works but it requires an obscene amount of her life, especially during the holidays where she is on blackout and isn't allowed to take days off and her company requires that she work until midnight on the eve of eves, and eves of holidays, and then turn around and be there at 4:00am the following mornings. So I felt bad this year and prepped all her food and recipes. I got in my car by 9:00am to go get Natalie. 2 hours late. DEAD FUCKING CAR BATTERY. Apparently when I loaded my car up before I went to go to bed (aka watch a movie because I actually didn't sleep for one second that night) I left the light on above the console. Awww MAN! Are you effing kidding me?! Unfucking believable! :::*pouty face*::: Mom to the rescue (which is completely out of character and uncommon for my Mom). She hands me her keys and says, just replace the gas so I can drive to work in the morning. OMG, am I actually going to be THANKFUL for my MOM this year?! Keys in hand, food and supplies transferred, on the road. I picked up Natalie, and after making a few stops (Walgreens and QFC for the alcohol my Mom called to see if I could pick up) We were at my Dad's house 11:45am. Record Time. I may or may not have sped, but the fact that there was absolutely NO TRAFFIC may have also contributed. And the best part? We were the first to arrive! Everything else basically went off without a hitch, not exactly on schedule, but whatever, family was together, we food was eventually cooked and everyone was set at the table. We started a new Thanks Giving tradition, too. Normally we would go around the table and each give thanks for what we were thankful for that year, but this year was different. This is the first Thanksgiving since my grandpa passed away on December 1st last year. Last year he wasn't present at the table because hew as in the hospital, but we were all kind of in an emotional cocoon last year, everything was awkward without grandpa who was the always the Turkey Carver and giver of thanks and Grace sayer. This year, without grandpa, we started new traditions in his memory and it was beautiful and sad and I cried at the table. Mom carved the Turkey this year (because my DAD doesn't know how to carve a turkey and pulled out the power tools, so Mom took over). My sister Rashel was home this year after a very long year of her taking off to find herself. Dad & Mom weren't wrought with the pain of dealing with Rashel's absence and grandpa's last few days. My Sister Crystal is pregnant with my nephew, Jonah, and she is so beautiful at 8.5 months pregnant (and always) and her and her husband are so happy. My other sister, Shannon wasn't going through (and as everything panned out, never went through) a divorce. We weren't in the emotional turmoil of being at the hospital every single day for a month to be with grandpa and see him so ill. I wasn't just discharged from the hospital, the same hospital and subsequently the exact same room as my grandpa. Grandma wasn't crazy, or withdrawn from the grief. We were OK. We made it through the year. We survived. We had an abundance of love and reasons to be thankful this year. We do every year. I have an amazing family, and not just at holidays. I gave thanks for that this year. I gave thanks that I know we are not "normal" in the way that my siblings talk to each other every day and my sisters are my best friends. I gave thanks that we say I Love You when we see each other on holidays as well as Tuesdays or because it's a Saturday. I gave thanks that I can send my Dad a text at 4am on Monday morning because I just felt like telling him I was thinking about him and he'll text me back and say he loves me and thanks for making his day. I gave thanks that I can open my email and see a random message from my grandma that she loves me and "That Is All". I gave thanks for Scarlett and Sandy for their patience, unconditional love and belief in me. And I gave thanks that for this day, I was able to be present in my life and not worry about the food I was giving thanks for. I was able to engage in conversation and comprehend when people talked to me. I gave thanks that I wasn't bundled up in blankets, looking gaunt and dead, just trying to make it through sitting at the table because I didn't have the strength to hold myself up and the chair was so painful to sit on because my bones protruded and there was nothing to protect them. I gave thanks that my mind wasn't cluttered with my eating disorder, although it was still present it wasn't loud, and it wasn't in charge. Another day with my eating disorder so present is what I strive for. It's my proof of my recovery. It's the bounty of all the hard work and the painful days. It's something tangible that I can say OK, so this is what it's like. Now I know. It's not just like working your ass off doing the the fucking impossible without a clue of what you're actually working towards ... you can't miss what you don't know, and I feel like sometimes I'm just working blindly, not knowing what exactly the payoff really is going to be, other than this "word" recovery ... which means "not dying" "healthy" "not sick" but you don't know what the FEELS like, you just know that you don't want to die, that you don't want "this" anymore, that you're tired of fighting, that "something" has to change. Recovery. You just want recovery. So you do the work. You cry the tears and you scream because it's hard. Some days it's impossible. And you fight, anyway. But you don't know what it's going to be like. You're taking a giant fucking leap of fate, feet first without knowing where you're going to end up ...  I suppose it's like a blind person trying to imagine color. How do you do that? Where would your brain go to know what the color RED is if you've never seen it before? I decided to blog about this because for one day, for one meal, I was free. Whether or not I decided to eat or try food, it didn't matter. I was thinking about my family, present, engaged in conversation, laughing, crying, being alive. This is what it's going to be like to be recover(ed), and while I may be a long long ways from recovery, I am recovering.

Destination Recover(ed): Day 676

Ok, I've been putting off writing this blog because I want it to be perfect. I had the most special spectacular day a week and a half ago and it was such an emotional and perfect day that I'm having a hard time putting words to my feelings in such a way that I can perfectly express how and what I was feeling. But I'm realizing that my need for perfection is what is constantly holding me back. So I'm just going to dive in and hope that I can get it across without jumbling it up and rambling on too much :) so bear with me here ...

 

So I had a spectacular day last week. It has taken me a while to blog about it because I had a difficult time wrapping my head around it to put words to my feelings. So that day started off as a not so good day. I had just left a particularly emotionally difficult appointment with Sandy. EMDR is fucking hard and it's so incredibly taxing on my body. I leave those appointments with the same empty euphoric feeling I used to crave when starving. The "nothingness" feeling. Empty. Only now instead of reveling in the feeling as "success" or "comfort" my brain instead automatically screams "Jesus Christ! I need an Ensure STAT!" (yay for small proofs of recovery!). So I show up for my appointment with Scarlett right after my appointment with Sandy and I'm beat. I'm exhausted. Trauma work is never fun, so I'm a little emotionally blah, not exactly feeling super awesome. I had just spent the last hour and a half realizing that I am affected by my sister's pregnancy in a traumatic way. That while I am so excited and proud and ecstatic and anxious and thrilled and happy, it brings up trauma issues for me. And no matter what I want or how I tell myself I feel, I'm not getting away from the underlying trauma. I can still be happy and excited for my sister, and be traumatized by it at the same time. But I can't pretend that it doesn't bother me, that it doesn't trigger trauma for me just because I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to go there or process it because I don't want to relive it, but there's no denying it and I'm coming to terms with the fact that I have to deal with it even though I don't want to. So it had been "that kind of a day" when I walked in the door at Ramey Nutrition. It actually kind of makes the whole day perfect actually. To have such a wide spectrum of emotion all in the same day and survive it as one of my most favorite days of my life ... it really makes it that much more fucking awesome of a day. Complete. So I had been set up to know that there was something special that was going to happen at my appointment with Scarlett, so I knew that going in but I never thought or expected what was going to happen. Appointment is going as normal and I'm giving the Scarlett the play by play from my appointment with Sandy, discussing intake and body image issues and then ... AND THEN ... there's the knock at the door ... and in walks this guy, who I recognize from Scarlett's pictures on Facebook, and I know his name but I've never met him before. So I'm a little confused as to what is going on and wondering why he's coming in and joining my appointment. I mean, not like "WTF is he doing here", but more like "I wonder what is going on". I won't give his name because I didn't tell him I was going to blog about him, but I so want to tell the world how awesome he is and how he touched my life and filled my soul. He was there because he reads my blogs and wanted to do something for me. What makes it so emotional for me is that I never fully realized how far this blog goes and how many people are reading it and how many people it's helping, whether it be support for someone with an eating disorder or just bringing to light what it's like for someone who doesn't have an eating disorder. A piece of my life and journey that one wouldn't otherwise know anything about. So in one of my blogs I wrote about not looking forward to winter because of the cold and what it felt like to be so cold because of my eating disorder. If you suffer from an eating disorder, you know what I'm talking about ... the cold gets down into your bones and you just can't warm up. Your body is tense all the time and it's exhausting. It's painful. My lips turn this purplish blue and feel like I look as though I'm being preserved on ice. It wears you down. I hate it. You don't have to have an eating disorder to know what this feels like either and it was something that he could identify with. So, as the story goes, my blog affected him. It's weird, it's like my life, what I go through as an every day thing affected the life of someone I don't know, have never met or crossed physical paths with. It's a concept I'm still wrapping my head around. To me, it's just my life, it's what I go through every day so nothing I do or say or write seems profound to me because it's just the way it is, it's just the way things go and I'm just writing about it. So he decided that he wanted to do something and here he was sitting across from me telling me how he reads my blog and explaining how he felt and how he wanted to get me something and he pulls out this coat. But it's not just a coat, it's an awesome coat, a coat that was special made. A coat that he had to call around to different companies to find someone who would help him with this coat. He read everyone he called my blog until he found someone that wanted to help him. (on a side note this coat did NOT come from REI who could care less and didn't want to help and now there is a year long boycott against them ...) A coat, because I get cold and I'm not looking forward to winter. A coat because he knows what it's like to feel that cold, even without having an eating disorder. Now I don't know how to articulate my emotions from this point. It's so much more than a coat. I mean, to have someone you don't even know do something so profound that you can't even speak ... it's surreal. To not have to worry about the cold this year because this coat is so fucking warm and enveloping and to have one less thing to worry about, to not have to dread that pain ... I'm just so touched. It's more than a coat to me. I feel safe in it. It's my armor. I've had a few rough days since then and in the midst of crying and dealing and feeling just so defeated and emotional, I put my coat on and curled up and created this safety nest inside my coat. And it may sound ridiculous, but I don't really care.  I updated my Facebook status that night (yes I'm a FB'er) because I felt this overwhelming gratitude and I needed to get it out but all I could say was this:

 

November 14 near Stanwood

At the moment I am at a loss for words to describe the most amazing day I have had. Today I feel beyond honored and blessed, enveloped by love and safety and truly inspired and motivated. I wish I could find the words to express the immensity of my emotions but for now I will revel in the comfort and joy of knowing that everything is exactly at should be and everything is going to be just fine. Thank You, with all my heart.

 

So I wanted to blog about it so I could say Thank You, you have truly touch my life in ways I may not ever be able to fully express ... and you have warmed my soul and made such a profound impact on my heart and will always be remembered for for helping me to my ultimate destination: recover(ed).

One of the best days of my life.

Starship Recovery!

Starship Recovery
DAILY INTENTIONS

a big part of this is being aware that this is happening. intentions should be as big as possible. the point of the intention is that you make the intention.

AM of SUNDAY 10-28-2012

Thankful For
Having to think about what I’m really thankful for when initially nothing comes to mind, Bender resting his head on me this morning and behaving because he just knows I cried a lot last night, Tomorrow being Monday- so I can be in a safer place where I can say right now I feel “unloveable or unworthy or not good enough” and people understand instead of fighting with me about it (not saying anyone agrees just that they don’t say I’m the problem, they just say the truth), feeling my feelings a bit this morning

Intention
Eat and be gentle with myself. its there in love. to protect me like a mom making a kid put on a jacket before letting the kid leave the house. Reach out for support and remember when things seem like they are all crashing down and you want to be at Ramey... time will pass and tomorrow will come before you know it.

To Do
Talk to Sam now that I’m sober and figure out where we stand, Eat

Be Brave
Talk to Sam

Vision
Can I get better or am I just going to replace 1 issue with another?

Small Step
If nothing ever changed, there would be no butterflies... so too is the Soul’s Journey” Aaryaa

AM of SATURDAY 10-27-2012

Thankful For
Intentions starting my day, mis chicas at ramey, Greta for being amazing and always super nice, Offering to not drink and not drinking even after Greta decided not to, 10 months sober for my mommy (whatwhat!), enjoying the panic of getting ready even if I had an the night.

To Do
Intentions, Walk with Sam and Bender to Starbucks in the rain, Nap, Clean up “hurricane Ashley + Sam,” Ask Sam to Watch a good rainy day movie, Eat, Veg, Get more sleep tonight, Maybe go out

Be Brave
10 minute free right- got to start journaling to get my thoughts straight. Spinning wheels go round and round.

Vision
Ed has a purpose in my recovery- he is my guide to show me what I am missing in my life. As I find each one, our relationship changes. Since Ed is a part of me, its hard to think of getting a “divorce” like Schaffer. I wonder if instead of breaking up, we’ll both grow into our appropriate roles in my being. Ed may be more like a play critic who is a friend. When I’m caught up in my vision of how the play is doing, he notices the holes that I overlooked directing so many different aspects of the performance.
Right now though, we aren’t friends. He’s just a critic who sends me over generalized messages that “im a shitty director” and I react to them since he’s the only critic I’m trying to please/basing my worth on.

Intention
Are things really as bad as they feel or is that a lie I am just used to believing? Question myself and find truth. (remember to honor it, “people aren’t walking around panicking” a lot of times when we feel like the sky is falling is a good thing- might it be get the fuck out of the way. what hurt is coming? Say “thanks for the warning, i know you did this out of love and I don’t need it today and I appreciate the protection. I’ll keep an eye out.”)
Small Step:
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs

Additional Notable Quotes:
“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing the monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward” ~CS Lewis
“Unless your heart, your soul, and your whole being are behind every decision yo umake, the words from your mouth will be empty, and each action will be meaningles. Truth an confidence are the roots of happiness.”
“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP
“I don't know you. The only thing I know about you is, you're reading this. I don't know if your happy or not; I don't know whether you're young or not. I sort of hope you're young and sad. If you're old and happy, I can imagine that you'll smile to yourself when you hear me going, he broke my heart. You'll remember someone who broke your heart, and you'll think to yourself, Oh yes, i remember how that feels. But you can't, you smug old git. Oh you'll remember feeling sort of plesantly sad. You might remember listening to music and eating chocolates in your room, or walking along the embankment on your own, wrapped up in a winter coat and feeling lonely and brave. But can you remember how with every mouthful of food it felt like you were biting into your own stomach? Can you remember the taste of red wine as it came back up and into the toilet bowl? Can you remember dreaming every night that you were still together, that he was talking to you gently and touching you, so that every morning when you woke up you had to go through it all over again?”
― Nick Hornby, A Long Way Down
“Was it hard?" I ask.
“Letting go?"
“Not as hard as holding on to something that wasn't real.”
― Lisa Schroeder

PM FRIDAY 10-26-2012

Thankful For
Shopping, Alyssa, Alyssa, Michelle, Hannah, Rachel, Shena, Scarlett, Recovery!

Intention
Do my best to reduce my expectations (ask why I have them) and be truthful with myself and others

To Do
Hair, Makeup, Car Tags, Dinner with Sam, Help Sam with Costume, Have fun tonight & Relax

Vision
If recovery is an iceberg (eating disorder stuff is above the water, the water represents the anxiety, worry and fear inhibiting recovery and the ice below the water is the real foundation of things to address) then I am swimming around in the water, sticking my face in and trying to open my eyes to see what I need to do. The water stings and distracts me from tackling everything below and also keeps me focused on the tip.


Be Brave
Journal or do self talk about “what if I had no expectations for tonight? What would it feel like (good and bad), and what thoughts might come up?

Small Step
Listen to my body and focus on what I know is true. Respect my being- body and mind

Need
More time? Jk. Space so I can get ready or help with it. Acknowledgement that I have a lot to do and am not in a good mood (irritable/feel rushed and stressed).

Can Give
My presence if someone wants to sit near by for support. I can listen and would be multitasking so I don’t think I can offer to much feedback in the moment. Just let me know what you need from me before we talk so we can be on the same page.


AM FRIDAY 10.26.2012

Thankful For
A,A,M, H, Ramey staff, playing dress up, hanging out with fun ppl I feel safe with.

Intention
Call myself out on my own bullshit, reach out for support and EAT so I can have FUN tonight

To Do
Appointment, Get Bender, Sephora with AG, Sew Ears onto Headband, Make Up, Fun Time

Vision
Recovery is a “goal” that is eluding me. A challenge I am trying to get control of (according to my dream interpretation using Dream Bible)

Be Brave
Actively question myself about my expectations for the evening and challenge myself to have an open mind.

Small Step
As a physician would use a scaple to open an infected wound, we use the truth to open mental and emotional wounds. To heal the physical body, we need to open the wound, clean them and use medicine to keep them clean until healed. Our emotional wounds are covered by denial and systems we’ve created. It is painful to open these wounds and find lies and still “you will know the truth and it will set you free.” You begin healing by practicing the truth with yourself. You begin to see everything as it is, not as you want it to be.Step 1: Find the hurts/injustice that happened to you is no longer true RIGHT NOW, IN THIS MOMENT. “The truth is always changing.”

Can Give
My presence and distractions with crafts and makeup.

I Need
Accountability for my “be brave” and eating because parties/events are challenging for me.

PM THURSDAY 10.25.2012

Intention
Rest and Relax with Sam aka be normal :).

Thankful For
Pumpkins!!, AD, AG, H, M, FUN, Scarlett (for being an amazing support to all of us and doing 2 jobs), Yoga, Disney Movies.

To Do
Pumpkin, Costume, Makeup Time, Yoga, Sleep and Eat.

Vision
I don’t want my Ed and am in a happy mood especially being at Ramey with all these lovely ladies. Recovery is possible, and I just need to do the work. I imagine there will be more ups and downs before I am recovered. I’m worried because good days are often followed by lows that seem so much lower.
Be Brave
Put away my laundry. I just really don’t want to do it.

Small Step
Enjoy the good day and don’t let worry ruin it. Worry means to torment... I don’t want to torment myself for being in a good mood.

Can Give
Someone to hang out with or if you need someone to talk at or do creative things with. I’m not very focused, and probably not be a great conversationalist.

I Need
People to spend time with and am open to hearing about your path to recovery.

AM THURSDAY 10.26.2012




Thankful For
Alyssa, Alyssa, Michelle, Hannah, Ramey Staff, A Place to be authentic

Intention
Stay present

To Do
-    Eat
-    Go to Katies
-    Bender
-    Stay until 5pm
-    Work on costume  

Vision
Why is it so hard?! Recovery feels like Mary Go Round by Kacy Musgraves

Mary Mary quite contrary,
We get bored so we get married
And just like dust we settle in this town.
On this broken merry go 'round and 'round and 'round we go,
Where it stops nobody knows...
And it ain't slowin' down, this merry go 'round...

Be Brave
Think about the things I want to think about the least- if my adversion is so strong, they are probabably what I need to work on.

Small Step
Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you

What do I need?
Honesty- transparency. I don’t want to guess what ppl want or need to worry if I am doing the right thing for others. Acceptance that I’m focusing on me and that might rub someone the wrong way. I hate conflict.

What can I give?
My presence here, someone to eat with if I’m already eating. Quotes and advice J