B is for Boring

I need a hobby. I have decided that I'm unusually boring these days. Sitting in my bed feeling sorry for myself makes me feel icky, like I'm wasting space. I feel like I was more of a human when I was active in my eating disorder. I need to figure out how to get that person back ... sans eating disorder, of course.
I had this project once, that I worked on every night when I didn't sleep. Instead of laying lame in my bed staring at the ceiling I sat on my floor, spread out all my art supplies, turned on my music and went to town. It was meditative for me, calming. A way to express what I was feeling without having to speak. I had it for at least 10 years and then one day I just stopped. I don't even know where it is. Tonight I'm going to start my project over. I'm going to start being more interesting in my life.
Kidney update: Barf, I don't even want to talk about it.
What I don't miss about my eating disorder this far in my recovery today: Not sure. I'm kind of a Negative Nancy today so I'm drawing a blank on the positives.
What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder when I'm recovered: Obviously the boring me. I need more substance, so I'm going to create it. And Ensures, I'm still sick of Ensures.

Still, Stuck, and Paralyzed

I'm sitting in my bed at 3:40am experiencing the biggest Ambien FAIL known to man and I realize that I don't know how to feel what I'm feeling right now and it's pouring out my eyeballs. I'm overwhelmed. I think I'm having a normal "healthy" reaction to what's happening in my life. I feel a little withdrawn because I'm afraid that if I put myself in a social situation right now, I'm going to burst into tears in the middle of a conversation that I wouldn't even be paying attention to and wouldn't be able to explain why.  I'm not sad, although I can't seem to stop crying. I'm exhausted, although I can't seem to sleep. I should be focusing on my intake and my recovery and not falling in to my eating disorder, although I don't feel like consuming anything. I believe this to be normal but it feels so foreign to me. With my eating disorder, whether or not I starved myself or ate, there was a desire either way. A desire to refuse the food or a desire to eat it. A desire to fight it or give in. There was something there, some kind of feeling. Right now, I don't feel anything either way, except that I don't like it and have no desire to change it right now. I expect this will change after I finally get sleep, and then a hundred times over again. 

To Blog Or Not To Blog ...

I went on a blogging hiatus while I tried to figure out the delicate balance between recovering from an eating disorder and being a kidney patient. Most of the time I end up shutting it all out by compartmentalizing, putting it away in my head and just going through the motions, staying in this weird limbo. How can I honestly say that I'm doing everything I can to save my kidney when I still suffer from eating disorder? Am I recovering? You bet your ass I am. But it isn't possible to just get over an eating disorder, simply because I now have a new diagnosis. If I could just get over it, I wouldn't actually have an eating disorder and we'd be discussing a problem that doesn't actually exist. 

I'm not perfect and I'll call you a liar and tell you that you don't actually know me if you think I am. But I'll do the same if you don't actually think that I'm giving it my all and doing the best that I can. If it were as simple as picking up a hamburger and going to town on a plate of french fries then by all means, fire up the grill and pass the ketchup ... but I think we all know it doesn't work that way. 

Today I met with my nephrologist (kidney doc) and received my referral to the vascular surgeon for a preoperative vascular access/dialysis evaluation. I was also officially referred for transplant. Transplant. AYFKM? I've been an eating disorder patient my whole life (well 2/3rds of my life) and these are words that I feel should not be in my vocabulary. I don't know how to be a kidney patient. 

Scarlett says I have to separate the two, so I'm going to work on doing that. Maybe the key to getting through this is realizing that I can be an eating disorder patient working on my recovery AND a kidney patient starting the road to recovery via dialysis and/or (hopefully or) transplant. It'll be kind of like ... multi-tasking. Anyway, I think I'll stick to blogging during this process because I do not want to lose ground in my eating disorder recovery. I need to make sure I don't let my eating disorder become the way I cope with my kidney and I also need to make sure that my eating disorder recovery does not get lost to my kidney recovery. Let the multi-tasking begin.

What I do not miss about my eating disorder at this point in my recovery: Not having control over my thoughts. I love that I can break away from the eating disorder chaos in my brain and think about other things, future plans. I like that I can have day dreams about something other than an eating disorder related issue or thought. And I love that it happens naturally and I can experience what it feels like to have moments of freedom.

What I am not going to miss about my eating disorder once I'm recover(ed): Being denied a fun afternoon jogging around Greenlake with my friends and then going to eat frozen yogurt afterwards. When I'm recovered, I'm going to go to run  Greenlake every day, and I'm going to run with a handful of crab cakes from Tom Douglas' restaurants, and I'm going to do it in neon green shoes, because I can.

ADHD & Eating Disorders

There may be a link between ADHD and eating disorders.

“ADHD in teens may cause symptoms of boredom and restlessness that are temporarily relieved by compulsive or addictive eating behaviors. Overeating or binge eating may stimulate the dopamine reward system and dopamine pathways in the brain.” 

-Eric Hollander, MD

Read the rest of the article here!

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Diabulimia is a Life-Threatening Disorder for Some Teens by Jean Enderson

Diabulimia is a Life-Threatening Disorder for Some Teens
Author: Jean Enderson

It was Cassady Kinter's little secret.
"I was 14 so I was going into high school which I think is a really common time for people to start messing with that stuff," she said.
Cassady has Type 1 Diabetes. What she "messed with" was her insulin, skipping doses.  It's not so rare, according to Seattle Children's Doctor Yolanda Evans.
"Diabulimia is a term for kids who have diabetes who use insulin, but they'll withhold their insulin in order to lose weight," Dr. Evans said.
Trouble is it works better than any diet. That's why got Cassady hooked.
"You can lose like 10 pounds in two days which is really appealing to a young kid who doesn't really care about consequences later on."
Those consequences would come much sooner than Cassady ever expected. At age 16, she developed cataracts. That's not the only danger of diabulimia.
Dr. Evans says it can be life-threatening. "A diabetic who doesn't take their insulin can have really elevated levels of sugar in their blood and can actually lead to coma, even death."
None of that registered with Cassady. She only cared about being thin.
"You lose weight very quickly and people notice and give you all kinds of compliments, of course," she said.
Then came the extreme fatigue, hair loss and other side effects. Yes, the pounds were coming off, but not in the way she expected.
 If somebody has diabulimia a lot of times the body shape will be kind of this potato with toothpicks, spindly arms and legs," Cassady said.
The compliments stopped. So did the friendships. Cassady was the only one left playing the game of pretend.
"I thought I  was fooling people but I wasn't."
Finally she got tired of feeling awful, but even then, it wasn't easy to stop. She got treatment but later relapsed before finally getting back on track again.
Cassady says the best thing parents can to do is look for the signs; be direct but not judgmental. Red flags include: unexplained weight loss, extreme fatigue, frequent urination and high blood sugar readings.
These days, Cassady is back in school, taking graduate courses to become a counselor to help others who go down the same dangerous path that she did.
Diabulimia has been seen in patients as young as 13 and in women as old as 60.

Resources

http://www.diabulimiahelpline.org/

ADHD Teens at Risk of Eating Disorders By Chris Iliades, MD Medically reviewed by Pat F. Bass III, MD, MPH

Teen eating disorders are on the rise — and they're becoming more prevalent in kids with ADHD. Experts explain why.

ADHD: My Son Nathan
One to 2 percent of students in America struggle with an eating disorder — and according to studies, eating disorders are significantly more common in teenage girls with ADHD than in girls without ADHD.

A possible explanation: Eating disorder behaviors like binge eating may be a way of self-medicating for ADHD teens. "The key link between eating disorders and ADHD is the impulsive need for stimulation,” explains Eric Hollander, MD, professor of psychiatry and behavioral medicine and director of the Compulsive, Impulsive, and Autism Spectrum Disorders Program at Albert Einstein College of Medicine and Montefiore Medical Center in Bronx, New York.

“ADHD in teens may cause symptoms of boredom and restlessness that are temporarily relieved by compulsive or addictive eating behaviors. Overeating or binge eating may stimulate the dopamine reward system and dopamine pathways in the brain.”

Dopamine is a brain chemical that tends to be low in people with ADHD. Dopamine is also important in appetite regulation and some compulsive eating behaviors have been shown to activate dopamine pathways.

Adolescent girls with ADHD also frequently develop dissatisfaction with their body image, which can lead to repeated bouts of binge eating and bulimia, notes Hollander.

ADHD usually begins in childhood, but girls are more likely to reach their teens being undiagnosed and untreated for their ADHD. Untreated teen ADHD increases the risk for compulsive eating and other eating disorders like bulimia or binge eating.”

Here are some ADHD symptoms kids and parents should be aware of:

Difficulty paying attention and staying focused
Problems at school
Constantly losing things or making careless mistakes
Restlessness and impatience
Parents who know or suspect that their teen has ADHD should also be aware of the warning signs of a possible eating disorder:

Dramatic change in weight
Excessive concern over diet
Being depressed about body image
Use of laxatives, diuretics, or enemas
Avoidance of family meals
ADHD in Teens and Eating Disorder Treatment

Parents and teens need to learn as much as they can about these disorders and take an active role in treatment. ADHD and eating disorders are both treatable. Teen ADHD can be controlled through a combination of medication and behavioral therapy. Teen eating disorder treatment often involves both individual and family therapy and education about healthful eating. Treatment of ADHD symptoms may also help symptoms of eating disorders.

The key is to recognize the problem and take action. Teen ADHD and eating disorders that go unrecognized and untreated can cause lasting damage to both mind and body.