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Showing posts with label yoga. Show all posts
Showing posts with label yoga. Show all posts
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Friday, April 26, 2013
ADHD Teens at Risk of Eating Disorders By Chris Iliades, MD Medically reviewed by Pat F. Bass III, MD, MPH
Teen eating disorders are on the rise — and they're becoming more prevalent in kids with ADHD. Experts explain why.
ADHD: My Son Nathan
One to 2 percent of students in America struggle with an eating disorder — and according to studies, eating disorders are significantly more common in teenage girls with ADHD than in girls without ADHD.
A possible explanation: Eating disorder behaviors like binge eating may be a way of self-medicating for ADHD teens. "The key link between eating disorders and ADHD is the impulsive need for stimulation,” explains Eric Hollander, MD, professor of psychiatry and behavioral medicine and director of the Compulsive, Impulsive, and Autism Spectrum Disorders Program at Albert Einstein College of Medicine and Montefiore Medical Center in Bronx, New York.
“ADHD in teens may cause symptoms of boredom and restlessness that are temporarily relieved by compulsive or addictive eating behaviors. Overeating or binge eating may stimulate the dopamine reward system and dopamine pathways in the brain.”
Dopamine is a brain chemical that tends to be low in people with ADHD. Dopamine is also important in appetite regulation and some compulsive eating behaviors have been shown to activate dopamine pathways.
Adolescent girls with ADHD also frequently develop dissatisfaction with their body image, which can lead to repeated bouts of binge eating and bulimia, notes Hollander.
ADHD usually begins in childhood, but girls are more likely to reach their teens being undiagnosed and untreated for their ADHD. Untreated teen ADHD increases the risk for compulsive eating and other eating disorders like bulimia or binge eating.”
Here are some ADHD symptoms kids and parents should be aware of:
Difficulty paying attention and staying focused
Problems at school
Constantly losing things or making careless mistakes
Restlessness and impatience
Parents who know or suspect that their teen has ADHD should also be aware of the warning signs of a possible eating disorder:
Dramatic change in weight
Excessive concern over diet
Being depressed about body image
Use of laxatives, diuretics, or enemas
Avoidance of family meals
ADHD in Teens and Eating Disorder Treatment
Parents and teens need to learn as much as they can about these disorders and take an active role in treatment. ADHD and eating disorders are both treatable. Teen ADHD can be controlled through a combination of medication and behavioral therapy. Teen eating disorder treatment often involves both individual and family therapy and education about healthful eating. Treatment of ADHD symptoms may also help symptoms of eating disorders.
The key is to recognize the problem and take action. Teen ADHD and eating disorders that go unrecognized and untreated can cause lasting damage to both mind and body.
ADHD: My Son Nathan
One to 2 percent of students in America struggle with an eating disorder — and according to studies, eating disorders are significantly more common in teenage girls with ADHD than in girls without ADHD.
A possible explanation: Eating disorder behaviors like binge eating may be a way of self-medicating for ADHD teens. "The key link between eating disorders and ADHD is the impulsive need for stimulation,” explains Eric Hollander, MD, professor of psychiatry and behavioral medicine and director of the Compulsive, Impulsive, and Autism Spectrum Disorders Program at Albert Einstein College of Medicine and Montefiore Medical Center in Bronx, New York.
“ADHD in teens may cause symptoms of boredom and restlessness that are temporarily relieved by compulsive or addictive eating behaviors. Overeating or binge eating may stimulate the dopamine reward system and dopamine pathways in the brain.”
Dopamine is a brain chemical that tends to be low in people with ADHD. Dopamine is also important in appetite regulation and some compulsive eating behaviors have been shown to activate dopamine pathways.
Adolescent girls with ADHD also frequently develop dissatisfaction with their body image, which can lead to repeated bouts of binge eating and bulimia, notes Hollander.
ADHD usually begins in childhood, but girls are more likely to reach their teens being undiagnosed and untreated for their ADHD. Untreated teen ADHD increases the risk for compulsive eating and other eating disorders like bulimia or binge eating.”
Here are some ADHD symptoms kids and parents should be aware of:
Difficulty paying attention and staying focused
Problems at school
Constantly losing things or making careless mistakes
Restlessness and impatience
Parents who know or suspect that their teen has ADHD should also be aware of the warning signs of a possible eating disorder:
Dramatic change in weight
Excessive concern over diet
Being depressed about body image
Use of laxatives, diuretics, or enemas
Avoidance of family meals
ADHD in Teens and Eating Disorder Treatment
Parents and teens need to learn as much as they can about these disorders and take an active role in treatment. ADHD and eating disorders are both treatable. Teen ADHD can be controlled through a combination of medication and behavioral therapy. Teen eating disorder treatment often involves both individual and family therapy and education about healthful eating. Treatment of ADHD symptoms may also help symptoms of eating disorders.
The key is to recognize the problem and take action. Teen ADHD and eating disorders that go unrecognized and untreated can cause lasting damage to both mind and body.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Ramey Nutrition Taking New Day Program Patients!
Providing eating disorder treatment that leads efficiently to full recovery was the guiding principal on which Ramey Nutrition was founded. Eating disorders are frequently “treated” in the field of nutrition counseling; however we focus on empowering our patients to be recovered in order to move on with lives that are meaningful to them. By avoiding a focus on education and meal plans, we are able to respect the knowledge our patients already have. As they feel safe in knowing this, we are in a better position to simply remind them of the power they have to heal their issues; the nutrition naturally follows their healing.
Www.rameynutrition.com
Www.rameynutrition.com
Monday, April 22, 2013
Ramey Nutrition's First Referring Doctor Killed in an Avalanche
The woman who died after she was buried in an avalanche near Snoqualmie Pass has been identified as Bellevue naturopathic physician Dr. Joy Yu. The search for a man caught in a second slide has been suspended.
The woman who died after she was buried in an avalanche Saturday on Red Mountain has been identified as Dr. Joy Yu, a naturopathic physician.
Yu worked at the Creekside Center for Integrative Medicine in Bellevue, according to a billing receptionist at the office who was too upset to provide additional details. She said Yu’s relatives were on their way to town after learning of the accident.
Yu has a blog that identifies her as an active Northwest hiker and dog lover.
Yu was one of two people hit by an avalanche in separate incidents Saturday near Snoqualmie Pass. A man who’s been missing in an avalanche on Granite Mountain has been identified as 61-year-old Mitch Hungate, a Renton dentist, according to KING 5 news, a Seattle Times news partner.
The search for Hungate has been suspended indefinitely, as rescuers believe the conditions on Granite Mountain nare too dangerous.
Two other men were carried along with Hungate in the Granite Mountain avalanche, but they have been located. A GPS device worn by one of the men showed they tumbled down the slope more than 1,200 feet in less than one minute, according to the King County Sheriff’s Office.
Hungate did not emerge from the snow slide. Described as an experienced outdoorsman, Hungate was “always out hiking and climbing,” according to Bruce Kolpack, who has climbed with him. “He stays in really good shape.”
Hungate’s wife and sister are on the mountain awaiting news.
“All of us stayed up here in the hope against hope that there would be a rescue,” Hungate’s wife, Marilynn, told KING 5. “I really didn’t want to leave him. I want to be with him until he can be here with us.”
Yu was pronounced dead after rescuers transported her down from Red Mountain at about midnight . The Sheriff’s Office said she had a pulse when she was dug from the snow. Rescuers, who hiked nearly three hours to reach her, spent six hours carrying her on a sled off the mountain, but she did not survive.
Other snowshoers located Yu about 45 minutes after an avalanche hit and found her face down in about 5 feet of snow. Her dog, a black-and-white border collie/sheltie mix named Blue, showed up unaccompanied, alerting them that the woman was missing.
The search for Hungate was suspended about 8 p.m. Saturday and did not resume Sunday.
“It’s so unstable, we don’t want to risk our search-and-rescue members’ lives,” said Cindi West, of the Sheriff’s Office.
The Sheriff’s Office is warning the public to stay away from the area, she added.
About 50 rescuers with dog teams searched for Hungate on Saturday but battled “horrible” conditions, according to Katie Larson, of the Sheriff’s Office. Overnight, the mountain got another “big dump of snow,” making the conditions too dangerous to send in searchers, she said.
His two companions suffered non-life-threatening shoulder and hamstring injuries, the Sheriff’s Office said.
The Granite Mountain avalanche occurred first, at about noon Saturday, near Interstate 90s exit 47. The Red Mountain slide hit about a half-hour later, a few miles east near the Alpental ski area.
In all, more than 100 members of search-and-rescue teams from Seattle, Everett, Pierce County and Yakima participated in searches at the two avalanche scenes.
At the Red Mountain site, Yu had been snowshoeing with her dog behind a group of 12 other snowshoers when the avalanche struck.
The group of 12 was split up by the avalanche, with four making it off the mountain on their own by 5 p.m.
The remaining eight snowshoers, who were at about 4,800 feet, realized Yu was missing when the dog came up to them afterward. They were able to find Yu and dig her out. They tried to keep her warm as they waited about 2½ hours for rescuers to reach them. The rescue party did not reach the parking lot until about midnight Saturday, and by that time Yu had died.
The last avalanche fatalities in this area occurred in February 2012 when four people were killed at Stevens Pass and near the Summit at Snoqualmie, Larson said.
She said avalanches can be common this time of year.
“Whenever you have warm weather and then cold weather and snow, it can be bad,” she said.
Paul Baugher, director of the Northwest Avalanche Institute, which offers avalanche consulting and safety training, said the forecast for avalanches at Snoqualmie was “high” on Saturday.
“Because of the cold temperatures, the snow underneath is relatively well frozen and stable,” he said. “But there’s a poor bond between the new snow coming down and old snow, which is very hard and slippery. That produces soft slabs of very sensitive snow.”
The woman who died after she was buried in an avalanche Saturday on Red Mountain has been identified as Dr. Joy Yu, a naturopathic physician.
Yu worked at the Creekside Center for Integrative Medicine in Bellevue, according to a billing receptionist at the office who was too upset to provide additional details. She said Yu’s relatives were on their way to town after learning of the accident.
Yu has a blog that identifies her as an active Northwest hiker and dog lover.
Yu was one of two people hit by an avalanche in separate incidents Saturday near Snoqualmie Pass. A man who’s been missing in an avalanche on Granite Mountain has been identified as 61-year-old Mitch Hungate, a Renton dentist, according to KING 5 news, a Seattle Times news partner.
The search for Hungate has been suspended indefinitely, as rescuers believe the conditions on Granite Mountain nare too dangerous.
Two other men were carried along with Hungate in the Granite Mountain avalanche, but they have been located. A GPS device worn by one of the men showed they tumbled down the slope more than 1,200 feet in less than one minute, according to the King County Sheriff’s Office.
Hungate did not emerge from the snow slide. Described as an experienced outdoorsman, Hungate was “always out hiking and climbing,” according to Bruce Kolpack, who has climbed with him. “He stays in really good shape.”
Hungate’s wife and sister are on the mountain awaiting news.
“All of us stayed up here in the hope against hope that there would be a rescue,” Hungate’s wife, Marilynn, told KING 5. “I really didn’t want to leave him. I want to be with him until he can be here with us.”
Yu was pronounced dead after rescuers transported her down from Red Mountain at about midnight . The Sheriff’s Office said she had a pulse when she was dug from the snow. Rescuers, who hiked nearly three hours to reach her, spent six hours carrying her on a sled off the mountain, but she did not survive.
Other snowshoers located Yu about 45 minutes after an avalanche hit and found her face down in about 5 feet of snow. Her dog, a black-and-white border collie/sheltie mix named Blue, showed up unaccompanied, alerting them that the woman was missing.
The search for Hungate was suspended about 8 p.m. Saturday and did not resume Sunday.
“It’s so unstable, we don’t want to risk our search-and-rescue members’ lives,” said Cindi West, of the Sheriff’s Office.
The Sheriff’s Office is warning the public to stay away from the area, she added.
About 50 rescuers with dog teams searched for Hungate on Saturday but battled “horrible” conditions, according to Katie Larson, of the Sheriff’s Office. Overnight, the mountain got another “big dump of snow,” making the conditions too dangerous to send in searchers, she said.
His two companions suffered non-life-threatening shoulder and hamstring injuries, the Sheriff’s Office said.
The Granite Mountain avalanche occurred first, at about noon Saturday, near Interstate 90s exit 47. The Red Mountain slide hit about a half-hour later, a few miles east near the Alpental ski area.
In all, more than 100 members of search-and-rescue teams from Seattle, Everett, Pierce County and Yakima participated in searches at the two avalanche scenes.
At the Red Mountain site, Yu had been snowshoeing with her dog behind a group of 12 other snowshoers when the avalanche struck.
The group of 12 was split up by the avalanche, with four making it off the mountain on their own by 5 p.m.
The remaining eight snowshoers, who were at about 4,800 feet, realized Yu was missing when the dog came up to them afterward. They were able to find Yu and dig her out. They tried to keep her warm as they waited about 2½ hours for rescuers to reach them. The rescue party did not reach the parking lot until about midnight Saturday, and by that time Yu had died.
The last avalanche fatalities in this area occurred in February 2012 when four people were killed at Stevens Pass and near the Summit at Snoqualmie, Larson said.
She said avalanches can be common this time of year.
“Whenever you have warm weather and then cold weather and snow, it can be bad,” she said.
Paul Baugher, director of the Northwest Avalanche Institute, which offers avalanche consulting and safety training, said the forecast for avalanches at Snoqualmie was “high” on Saturday.
“Because of the cold temperatures, the snow underneath is relatively well frozen and stable,” he said. “But there’s a poor bond between the new snow coming down and old snow, which is very hard and slippery. That produces soft slabs of very sensitive snow.”
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Talking About Old Age Or Being Fat Linked To Physical And Mental Health Problems by Joseph Nordqvist
Talking about being old is an important indicator of body dissatisfaction, in the same way that talking about being fat is, according to a recent study published in the Journal of Eating Disorders.
Body dissatisfaction is associated with a number of physical and mental health problems, such as depression, low self-esteem, and stress. So-called "fat talk" and "old talk" have been found to contribute towards feelings of body dissatisfaction. It occurs when women express distaste about the appearance of their body and wish they were either better looking, thinner, or younger.
Researchers from the University of West England and Trinity University investigated the impact of "fat-talk" and "old-talk" throughout women's lives. They surveyed a total of 1,000 women aged 18 to 87 from various parts of the world; they assessed their fat talk, old talk, body image disturbance and eating disorder pathology.
Interestingly, a previous study published in Psychology of Women Quarterly identified that it's worrying how some women believe "fat talk" to be a helpful coping mechanism when in fact it actually exacerbates body image disturbance. In addition, those who engage in fat talk on a frequent basis are more likely to have an ultra-thin body ideal than those who don't.
They found that "fat talk" and "old talk" occur throughout the majority of women's lives. In general women talk more about their weight and appearance than they do about their age. However, as they get older they tend to talk less about their weight and more about their age.
Those who reported talking about being old or fat were more likely to have a negative body image than those who didn't.
As with fat talk, old talk is associated with body image disturbance as well as eating disorder pathology.
According to Dr. Carolyn Black Becker, who led this study:
"Until now, most research has focused on the negative effects of the thin-ideal and speech, such as 'fat talk', in younger women, but we need to remember that the thin-ideal is also a young-ideal which, as our results show, becomes increasingly important to negative body image as women age."
Written by Joseph Nordqvist
Copyright: Medical News Today
Body dissatisfaction is associated with a number of physical and mental health problems, such as depression, low self-esteem, and stress. So-called "fat talk" and "old talk" have been found to contribute towards feelings of body dissatisfaction. It occurs when women express distaste about the appearance of their body and wish they were either better looking, thinner, or younger.
Researchers from the University of West England and Trinity University investigated the impact of "fat-talk" and "old-talk" throughout women's lives. They surveyed a total of 1,000 women aged 18 to 87 from various parts of the world; they assessed their fat talk, old talk, body image disturbance and eating disorder pathology.
Interestingly, a previous study published in Psychology of Women Quarterly identified that it's worrying how some women believe "fat talk" to be a helpful coping mechanism when in fact it actually exacerbates body image disturbance. In addition, those who engage in fat talk on a frequent basis are more likely to have an ultra-thin body ideal than those who don't.
They found that "fat talk" and "old talk" occur throughout the majority of women's lives. In general women talk more about their weight and appearance than they do about their age. However, as they get older they tend to talk less about their weight and more about their age.
Those who reported talking about being old or fat were more likely to have a negative body image than those who didn't.
As with fat talk, old talk is associated with body image disturbance as well as eating disorder pathology.
According to Dr. Carolyn Black Becker, who led this study:
"Until now, most research has focused on the negative effects of the thin-ideal and speech, such as 'fat talk', in younger women, but we need to remember that the thin-ideal is also a young-ideal which, as our results show, becomes increasingly important to negative body image as women age."
Written by Joseph Nordqvist
Copyright: Medical News Today
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Where in the World is Ramey Nutrition??
Paris…California….or your house?! We want to see where Ramey Nutrition travels to. So next time you are sporting any Ramey Nutrition apparel (t-shirt, water bottle, etc.) tag Ramey Nutrition on Facebook or Instagram. For each picture you tag, you will be entered to win a free Ramey Nutrition fitness class, of your choice. Drawings will be done weekly!
Ramey Nutrition
#RameyNutrition
Monday, April 15, 2013
NEDA Burger? Ramey Nutrition's Open House BBQ!
Ramey Nutrition NEDA EventsOpen House BBQ
Friday May 17th 5:00pm Ramey Nutrition Headquarters
NEDA great way to start off summer? NEDA burger?
Comejoin the Ramey Nutrition Team for our Open House BBQ.
We will have fun, food, fitness and information all for agreat cause. Make a $15 donation to NEDA(national eating disorder association) and enjoy soda and BBQ. Otherrefreshments will be available for a small donation.
Meet the Ramey Nutrition Team of Excellence, and get information on Eating DisorderRecovery Programs, Diabetes, Weight Management, and Medical Nutrition Therapy along with our Fitness and Yoga classes.
Take a free fitness class with Jason Steele at 5:30 in the Grauer Gym
Learnall the ways that Ramey Nutrition can help in your life or that of loved ones.
Sign up for the 2013 NEDA walk on Saturday June the 1stat Seward Park or stop by Ramey Nutrition and signup or use the link to sign upfor the Ramey Nutrition Team at http://neda.nationaleatingdisorders.org/site/TR/NEDAWalk/General?team_id=10330&pg=team&fr_id=2220. The password is: Honey22
Thank You for all of your support!
School Obesity Programs May Promote Worrisome Eating Behaviors and Physical Activity in Kids
Jan. 27, 2012 — In a new poll, 30% of parents report at least one worrisome behavior in their children that could be associated with the development of eating disorders.
A new report from the C.S. Mott Children's Hospital National Poll on Children's Health examines the possible association between school-based childhood obesity prevention programs and an increase in eating disorders among young children and adolescents.
The poll asked parents about obesity prevention programs in their children's schools and about food-related behaviors and activity that may be worrisome.
Overall, 82 percent of parents of children age 6-14 report at least one school-based childhood obesity intervention program taking place in their child's school. Among these programs are nutrition education, limits on sweets or "junk food" in the classroom, height and weight measurements, and incentives for physical activity.
Additionally, 7 percent of parents report that their children have been made to feel bad at school about what or how much they were eating.
This same group of parents was also asked about their children's eating behaviors. Thirty percent of parents of 6-14 year-olds report least one behavior in their children that could be associated with the development of an eating disorder. These behaviors include inappropriate dieting, excessive worry about fat in foods, being preoccupied with food content or labels, refusing family meals, and having too much physical activity.
"The issue of childhood obesity is a serious problem. In order to intervene in what seems like an epidemic of childhood obesity, everyone needs to be involved," says David Rosen, M.D., M.P.H., Clinical Professor of Pediatrics, Internal Medicine, and Psychiatry at the University of Michigan Medical School and Chief of Teenage and Young Adult Medicine in the Department of Pediatrics.
However, Rosen says, "When obesity interventions are put in place without understanding how they work and what the risks are, there can be unintended consequences. Well-intentioned efforts can go awry when children misinterpret the information they're given.
"Many of these behaviors are often dismissed as a phase," says Rosen, "But given what we know about the association of these behaviors with the development of eating disorders and knowing that eating disorders are increasing in prevalence, they should be taken very seriously."
Parents that report incentive programs at their children's school to increase physical activity are more likely to say their children are "too physically active" (11%) compared with parents who do not report incentives for physical activity at their child's school (4%). Otherwise, the poll did not find an association between school-based obesity prevention programs and other worrisome eating behaviors among children.
The fact that 30% of parents report at least one worrisome eating behavior in their children is concerning.
"It's much better and safer for parents to respond to worrisome eating behaviors early -- even if there turns out to be no problem -- than to wait until there is obviously a big problem,' Rosen says. "It is much easier to prevent an eating disorder than it is to treat an eating disorder."
Rosen offers these suggestions for parents:
1. Be attentive to your children's eating habits. If you see behaviors that are worrisome to you, talk to your children about them. If the behaviors escalate, involve your child's doctor.
2. Find out what your children's schools are doing to prevent childhood obesity. Be involved and engaged in that process.
3. Ask your children if they're being teased at school about their food choices or their weight. If they are, go to the school and find out what is happening.
A new report from the C.S. Mott Children's Hospital National Poll on Children's Health examines the possible association between school-based childhood obesity prevention programs and an increase in eating disorders among young children and adolescents.
The poll asked parents about obesity prevention programs in their children's schools and about food-related behaviors and activity that may be worrisome.
Overall, 82 percent of parents of children age 6-14 report at least one school-based childhood obesity intervention program taking place in their child's school. Among these programs are nutrition education, limits on sweets or "junk food" in the classroom, height and weight measurements, and incentives for physical activity.
Additionally, 7 percent of parents report that their children have been made to feel bad at school about what or how much they were eating.
This same group of parents was also asked about their children's eating behaviors. Thirty percent of parents of 6-14 year-olds report least one behavior in their children that could be associated with the development of an eating disorder. These behaviors include inappropriate dieting, excessive worry about fat in foods, being preoccupied with food content or labels, refusing family meals, and having too much physical activity.
"The issue of childhood obesity is a serious problem. In order to intervene in what seems like an epidemic of childhood obesity, everyone needs to be involved," says David Rosen, M.D., M.P.H., Clinical Professor of Pediatrics, Internal Medicine, and Psychiatry at the University of Michigan Medical School and Chief of Teenage and Young Adult Medicine in the Department of Pediatrics.
However, Rosen says, "When obesity interventions are put in place without understanding how they work and what the risks are, there can be unintended consequences. Well-intentioned efforts can go awry when children misinterpret the information they're given.
"Many of these behaviors are often dismissed as a phase," says Rosen, "But given what we know about the association of these behaviors with the development of eating disorders and knowing that eating disorders are increasing in prevalence, they should be taken very seriously."
Parents that report incentive programs at their children's school to increase physical activity are more likely to say their children are "too physically active" (11%) compared with parents who do not report incentives for physical activity at their child's school (4%). Otherwise, the poll did not find an association between school-based obesity prevention programs and other worrisome eating behaviors among children.
The fact that 30% of parents report at least one worrisome eating behavior in their children is concerning.
"It's much better and safer for parents to respond to worrisome eating behaviors early -- even if there turns out to be no problem -- than to wait until there is obviously a big problem,' Rosen says. "It is much easier to prevent an eating disorder than it is to treat an eating disorder."
Rosen offers these suggestions for parents:
1. Be attentive to your children's eating habits. If you see behaviors that are worrisome to you, talk to your children about them. If the behaviors escalate, involve your child's doctor.
2. Find out what your children's schools are doing to prevent childhood obesity. Be involved and engaged in that process.
3. Ask your children if they're being teased at school about their food choices or their weight. If they are, go to the school and find out what is happening.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Register today to WALK the WALK!
Register today to WALK the WALK!
Support Ramey Nutrition!
Ramey Nutrition
Goal:
$1,000.00
Achieved:
$355.00
Make a gift!
http://neda.nationaleatingdisorders.org/site/TR/NEDAWalk/General?team_id=10330&pg=team&fr_id=2220
Password is Honey22
Seattle, WA NEDA Walk June 1, 2013
Goal: $25,000.00 Achieved: $5,310.00
Support Ramey Nutrition!
Goal:
$1,000.00
Achieved:
$355.00
Ramey Nutrition - Join Team Raised
Scarlett Ramey $25.00
Bonnie Atkisson $25.00
Cecilia Coydan $25.00
Amy Dahmen $15.00
Jessica Denning $25.00
Rachel Frickleton $15.00
James Grey $50.00
Kate Kaczor $25.00
Rachel Mhyre $25.00
Sarah Morrison $25.00
Paul Ramey $25.00
Sharon Ramey $25.00
Jason Steele $25.00
Shena Washburn $25.00
Team Gifts $0.00
Denotes a Team Captain
Return to homepage
Support Ramey Nutrition!
Ramey Nutrition
Goal:
$1,000.00
Achieved:
$355.00
Make a gift!
http://neda.nationaleatingdisorders.org/site/TR/NEDAWalk/General?team_id=10330&pg=team&fr_id=2220
Password is Honey22
Seattle, WA NEDA Walk June 1, 2013
Goal: $25,000.00 Achieved: $5,310.00
Support Ramey Nutrition!
Goal:
$1,000.00
Achieved:
$355.00
Ramey Nutrition - Join Team Raised
Scarlett Ramey $25.00
Bonnie Atkisson $25.00
Cecilia Coydan $25.00
Amy Dahmen $15.00
Jessica Denning $25.00
Rachel Frickleton $15.00
James Grey $50.00
Kate Kaczor $25.00
Rachel Mhyre $25.00
Sarah Morrison $25.00
Paul Ramey $25.00
Sharon Ramey $25.00
Jason Steele $25.00
Shena Washburn $25.00
Team Gifts $0.00
Denotes a Team Captain
Return to homepage
Friday, April 5, 2013
What Losing 180 Pounds Really Does To Your Body — & Your Mind By Jen Larsen
The doctor said, “It’ll be nice to be able to walk down the aisle of an airplane, right? To fit down the aisle, and to not see that look of horror when someone sees you coming.”
He said that because I weighed 300 pounds. He said that because he thought that all I wanted in life was to not be that creeping horror, shuffling sideways to the back of the plane, trying not to make eye contact with anyone because I didn’t want to see their relief when I passed by. Trying not to make eye contact with the person in my row because I didn’t want to see horror, and I really didn’t want to see pity, and I really didn’t want someone to lean over and explain to me that I was fat and that there are things I could do about it. Like water and jogging, or carrots and the Thighmaster.
He said that like it was a fact about all fat people. All fat people hate themselves. All fat people know that what’s good in life is really only accessible to thin people. Thin is the most important variable in of life’s equations. Thin equals happy, thin equals beautiful, thin equals a life worth living.
The most embarrassing fact of my life — and oh, how many embarrassing facts there are in my life — is that it was true. I was angry at him for saying it, for buying into the cliché of the fat person. For assuming that my life would transform immediately. Because he was saying all the things I had secretly thought. He was reinforcing all the secret fantasies I had about the way everything about me would be more amenable and lovable and acceptable to the whole rest of the world. To everyone on airplanes and everyone in my life. To myself. When I lost all the weight. When I got weight loss surgery.
He was my psychological consultant, the doctor who was tasked with clearing me for surgery. He signed off my mental and emotional fitness to get a surgery that I genuinely believed was going to save my life. Not just physically — though I was actually damn healthy — but emotionally.
And, three months later I got weight loss surgery. Seven months later I had lost over a hundred pounds; a year and a half from my surgery date, I had lost about 180 pounds.
I lost a lot of things along with the weight. I lost my sense of self. My sense of proportion. My sense of dignity, of maturity, of control. I was skinny, but my life wasn’t suddenly and magically perfect—and that completely astonished me. It sounds ridiculous, having really fallen for the fairy tale of weight loss. But I had fallen for it completely, and then was blinded by the egregious lack of a happily ever after.
The nature of the weight loss surgery I got is that you can completely ignore the things the doctors tell you to do. They say, exercise, don’t drink, don’t smoke, eat well. And you don’t bother to do any of that, but still lose weight. You still lose every pound you want to lose, and then some.
The problem was that I lost all those pounds, but I didn’t have to change a goddamn thing about my self. I didn’t have to address any of the emotional or psychological issues. I didn’t have to figure out why I had been depressed — why I was still so, so depressed, despite the fact that the one thing I thought had been ruining my life was suddenly gone.
I was skinny, finally, and I was fascinated by the physicality of it. It was like my skeleton had floated up to the surface from the bottom of a murky pond. I had muscles and tendons and bones and in the shower I’d soap the ridges of my ribs, the knobs of my hipbones, and be amazed to make their acquaintance. It wasn’t pretty—I lost so much weight that I didn’t look like myself, and then I lost past that, to the point where I looked like a sick stranger. Briefly, I was a size two. Sometimes I was disappointed that I couldn’t be a size zero.
It doesn’t go away, you see. I thought that my body was wrong when I was obese; I thought my body was wrong when I was thin past the point of health. I thought there was something wrong with my body whatever I looked like, because there’s always just one more thing to fix before I look perfect, feel good in bed with hands on my body, feel sexy in a dress or a bathing suit, feel comfortable in my skin.
I felt helpless before. I tried to dodge out of the feeling by getting weight loss surgery, and now I’m angry. That I wasn’t fixed, yes. But also that so many people deal with this, this exact and pervasive struggle at whatever size they are, whatever shape, whatever they do. That we’re not good enough, with the implication that the best we have to offer to the world is an appropriately sized pair of jeans.
Magazine articles about body image talk about loving yourself despite your flaws. Sometimes they get really radical and they talk about loving yourself because of your flaws, and that is supposed to be empowering. And it pisses me off, because we’re talking about flaws here. A body that doesn’t look like the body of a Victoria’s Secret model is a flawed factory reject. My thighs aren’t the thighs of a figure skater, so they’re not good enough, but I should love the flubby little things anyway because I am so incredibly self-compassionate.
I want this: I want to say, don’t love yourself even though you’re not perfect — love yourself because you have a body and it’s worth loving and it is perfect. Be healthy, which is perfect at whatever size healthy is and at whatever size happy is.
And of course that’s totally easy and I have just caused a revolution in body image. Let’s all go home now.
Right. So, I don’t know what the answer is, and I don’t know how to make it happen, and I don’t know what to do except keep yelling about it, wherever I can. Saying there’s no magic number, and there’s no perfect size — and of course you know that, but we have to keep telling each other because it’s hard to remember sometimes. We have to keep saying it. We have to figure out how to believe it.
He said that because I weighed 300 pounds. He said that because he thought that all I wanted in life was to not be that creeping horror, shuffling sideways to the back of the plane, trying not to make eye contact with anyone because I didn’t want to see their relief when I passed by. Trying not to make eye contact with the person in my row because I didn’t want to see horror, and I really didn’t want to see pity, and I really didn’t want someone to lean over and explain to me that I was fat and that there are things I could do about it. Like water and jogging, or carrots and the Thighmaster.
He said that like it was a fact about all fat people. All fat people hate themselves. All fat people know that what’s good in life is really only accessible to thin people. Thin is the most important variable in of life’s equations. Thin equals happy, thin equals beautiful, thin equals a life worth living.
The most embarrassing fact of my life — and oh, how many embarrassing facts there are in my life — is that it was true. I was angry at him for saying it, for buying into the cliché of the fat person. For assuming that my life would transform immediately. Because he was saying all the things I had secretly thought. He was reinforcing all the secret fantasies I had about the way everything about me would be more amenable and lovable and acceptable to the whole rest of the world. To everyone on airplanes and everyone in my life. To myself. When I lost all the weight. When I got weight loss surgery.
He was my psychological consultant, the doctor who was tasked with clearing me for surgery. He signed off my mental and emotional fitness to get a surgery that I genuinely believed was going to save my life. Not just physically — though I was actually damn healthy — but emotionally.
And, three months later I got weight loss surgery. Seven months later I had lost over a hundred pounds; a year and a half from my surgery date, I had lost about 180 pounds.
I lost a lot of things along with the weight. I lost my sense of self. My sense of proportion. My sense of dignity, of maturity, of control. I was skinny, but my life wasn’t suddenly and magically perfect—and that completely astonished me. It sounds ridiculous, having really fallen for the fairy tale of weight loss. But I had fallen for it completely, and then was blinded by the egregious lack of a happily ever after.
The nature of the weight loss surgery I got is that you can completely ignore the things the doctors tell you to do. They say, exercise, don’t drink, don’t smoke, eat well. And you don’t bother to do any of that, but still lose weight. You still lose every pound you want to lose, and then some.
The problem was that I lost all those pounds, but I didn’t have to change a goddamn thing about my self. I didn’t have to address any of the emotional or psychological issues. I didn’t have to figure out why I had been depressed — why I was still so, so depressed, despite the fact that the one thing I thought had been ruining my life was suddenly gone.
I was skinny, finally, and I was fascinated by the physicality of it. It was like my skeleton had floated up to the surface from the bottom of a murky pond. I had muscles and tendons and bones and in the shower I’d soap the ridges of my ribs, the knobs of my hipbones, and be amazed to make their acquaintance. It wasn’t pretty—I lost so much weight that I didn’t look like myself, and then I lost past that, to the point where I looked like a sick stranger. Briefly, I was a size two. Sometimes I was disappointed that I couldn’t be a size zero.
It doesn’t go away, you see. I thought that my body was wrong when I was obese; I thought my body was wrong when I was thin past the point of health. I thought there was something wrong with my body whatever I looked like, because there’s always just one more thing to fix before I look perfect, feel good in bed with hands on my body, feel sexy in a dress or a bathing suit, feel comfortable in my skin.
I felt helpless before. I tried to dodge out of the feeling by getting weight loss surgery, and now I’m angry. That I wasn’t fixed, yes. But also that so many people deal with this, this exact and pervasive struggle at whatever size they are, whatever shape, whatever they do. That we’re not good enough, with the implication that the best we have to offer to the world is an appropriately sized pair of jeans.
Magazine articles about body image talk about loving yourself despite your flaws. Sometimes they get really radical and they talk about loving yourself because of your flaws, and that is supposed to be empowering. And it pisses me off, because we’re talking about flaws here. A body that doesn’t look like the body of a Victoria’s Secret model is a flawed factory reject. My thighs aren’t the thighs of a figure skater, so they’re not good enough, but I should love the flubby little things anyway because I am so incredibly self-compassionate.
I want this: I want to say, don’t love yourself even though you’re not perfect — love yourself because you have a body and it’s worth loving and it is perfect. Be healthy, which is perfect at whatever size healthy is and at whatever size happy is.
And of course that’s totally easy and I have just caused a revolution in body image. Let’s all go home now.
Right. So, I don’t know what the answer is, and I don’t know how to make it happen, and I don’t know what to do except keep yelling about it, wherever I can. Saying there’s no magic number, and there’s no perfect size — and of course you know that, but we have to keep telling each other because it’s hard to remember sometimes. We have to keep saying it. We have to figure out how to believe it.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Recovering THROUGH Trauma
This is going to be kinds of a fucked up, un organized and possibly depressing blog that may or may not seem unfinished but it's what I got right now. I think it's time I talk about how I ended up back in Washington. Right before I moved back home I was living in Reno, NV and had landed myself in the ICU for the millionth time. I think I had gone to the ER for a toothache that had me contemplating throwing myself in traffic it was so painful. I was so relieved to have a doctor I had not had before and was hoping to get away with no blood draw and just some antibiotics and pain meds but one of the nurses recognized me and told the doc treating me that I looked worse than the last time I had been hospitalized. The gig was up, I was so mad! So my blood was drawn, critical potassium, critical bicarbon, critical creatinine, acute renal failure, the whole nine yards. I knew the drill, they knew they didn't have to explain it to me. Automatic admit to ICU and then telemetry. This was standard protocol for me. I had a new doctor once I was admitted so I wasn't happy. I usually had the same doc and he knew how to treat me but apparently Dr. D was on his day off or holiday or something so this new young hot headed doctor with something to prove was my doctor. He was crazy, knew nothing about me, knew nothing about eating disorders or how to treat them. I had been to the hospital so many times that I practically treated myself while I was there. The nurses looked to me to know what to do and what IV's to hang and when to stop them and what to infuse based on what my 4 hour blood draws came back at. I had created my own gong show of medical help that basically catered to my eating disordered. A pick me up when I had gone too far. I had my own medical team to save me, manage my eating disorder and then send me on my way until next time when we did it all over again. I'm sure they thought I was quite pathetic, but I refused to go into inpatient treatment and it was all anyone could do to keep me alive, each time hoping it would be the last time and it would stick and I wouldn't be back knocking on deaths door needing a recharge. I lived like this for 4 years. The last hospital stay before I moved back home was not that way. New doctor. Wrench in the works. He managed to load me up with 26 pounds of fluid water weight in 3 days. I panicked. I had Dr. D on the phone begging him to talk to this doctor and make him discharge me. He did and that was the last that Renown hospital ever saw of me. I was in new territory. In a body that I didn't know with a face I didn't recognize. I knew nothing of the person I was when I got home. For the first time in my life I could not pull my jeans up over my thighs. I didn't own an article of clothing that fit. The weight of all the water was more than I could bare. I couldn't breathe, I could barely bend my legs to walk. I didn't recognize my face when I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize the body I saw the few times I managed to look down. I cried constantly. I showered in the dark so I didn't have to see myself and cried when I had to wash my body because I hated the way it felt and could feel my painfully stretched skin. I remember calling Sandy one night shortly after and cried hopelessly to her voicemail. I remember saying that I didn't know how I was EVER going to make it. I didn't know how I was ever going to recover. For the first time I felt my own mortality. I knew, at that point, that I was never going to recover, that I was going to die from my eating disorder, because if "this" was what I was supposed to be aiming for, I wasn't ever going to be able to handle it. It was a trauma that burned itself into my brain and memory and has since remained there untouched, eating away at and plagueing my life. Even as I write this I cannot emotionally "go there". I can't emotionally connect with it. I went home that night after phoning Sandy knowing that it was over for me. If this was what recovery felt like, if this was the trade off and the body I was going to end up with ... I wasn't going to do it. I didn't know how to be OK with that. I didn't know how I was EVER going to believe that I could be OK. I knew, right then, my life was going to end. I didn't know what to do, I had never been "here" before. I knew with every water logged ounce of my being that I was not going to live this way. I couldn't do it. I crawled into bed and kept myself in a drug induced sleep for 2 days, I could no longer bare my thoughts. The eating disorder had won and I had given up. My best friend still lived in WA and I wasn't going to take my life before saying goodbye to her. I already missed her so much. 3 o'clock in the morning I picked up my cell phone, dialed her number expecting to reach her voicemail. I was too chicken shit to say goodbye to her in person. She answered. I didn't speak a SINGLE word, not a breath. It felt like days of silence but in reality I knew it was seconds. I inhaled to speak and before I could muttered a sound she broke this silence. I could hear the fear and urgency in her voice, "Jess, I'm on my way. Can you hold on for 24 hours?" Not a single word, she knew with that one breath that something was wrong. I told her 24 hours and not a second more. She literally hopped in her car, drove home, packed a bag and started on the drove from Seattle to Reno. Neither of us knew what we were going to do once she got there, she just knew she had to get there. When her car pulled up in fromt of my house I came outside and she hugged me so hard for a second I thought that was how I was going to die. We just stood there in an embrace and she wasn't going to let me go. I broke down and just sobbed like I had only sobbed one other time in my life. Uncontrollably I sobbed for everything all at once. My body shook as I sobbed for my life that I was losing. I sobbed for the person I used to be that I had lost. I sobbed for the hopelessness I felt. I sobbed for the pain I had caused. I sobbed for ultimate loss. I sobbed for the loss of my child. I sobbed for the grief and the pain and the trauma of that day, the last time I cried like I was crying in my friends arm. I fell to my knees, praying for it all to be over, for her to let me go. She never did and she continued to hold on long after I let go ... I knew she had come to take me home.
I like to live my life and mark moments with music ... a life soundtrack, if you will. This morning I was discharged from the hospital after a 4 day stay and I have found that life has come full circle for me. At the moment, I don't know how to blog about it. I don't know how to sort through the pain and grief and the struggle. I'm trying to find the fight and the will. I'm trying to find that strength to hold on for for a second, and then a second longer. My thoughts can't go passed the soundtrack of my life in this instant. I want everyone who reads this to listen to Mumford & Sons song called Awake My Soul. This is where I am right now. This is where my fight is, right now. And for everyone struggling to recover, ALL OF YOU, you better hang the fuck on and manage through this because I swear to God, after all the unbearable moments of trauma in my life, If I can hang on through this second and the next you better be hanging the fuck on, too. Listen to this song. Please find comfort in knowing that you are not alone, because I'm right here, too. I'm going through this mother fucker of a thing called life and as much as I want to, I just can't manage to let go. I don't know what else to do right now, but I know that.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Bravery through Recovery!
Each morning 7 days/week, our PHP intensive day program patients are to write out how they'll be brave that day. I had to post this due to its eloquence and candor regarding what it takes to recover. Thank You Gary!
Bravery: my brave today is to give myself the authority to eat, allow my body to speak and my mind to sit back and just experience what it would be like to let my body ask and receive.
-Alyssa Gary
Bravery: my brave today is to give myself the authority to eat, allow my body to speak and my mind to sit back and just experience what it would be like to let my body ask and receive.
-Alyssa Gary
Friday, December 7, 2012
Destination Recover(ed): Day 679
The scale is not your friend. It's not my friend, either. I'm going to share a little silliness that happened this week that had me off my rocker crazy-girl angry. Months and months ago I put my scale away and let Scarlett be in charge of my weight. I couldn't handle the temptation to step on the scale every day. Every time I went in to or walked by the bathroom the scale beckoned me. It drove me nuts. In my healthy mind I know that part of recovery includes the number on the scale going up. But the scale was causing such an emotional tornado for me. I wasn't happy if the number went up and I wasn't happy if the number went down. The scale never matched how I felt. Some days I would get on the scale expecting the number the be higher and it would be lower. That played to my healthy mind, making me angry and frustrated because I felt as if I was gaining weight. Other days I would get on the scale just to make sure I knew where I was and the number would be slightly higher, making me feel unready as if it was all moving too fast I didn't have time to prepare for this. Half a pound would tug at my heart strings. Wait! Slow down, I'm not ready to say goodbye yet! I began to realize that it didn't matter what the scale said. It doesn't. Logically I know that 3500 kcals is equal to one pound. That's 3500 kcals ON TOP of what your body uses to function and repair itself. I knew it was impossible to be gaining and losing based on what my intake and activity was. I knew it was just shifting weight, extra fluids, retaining water and losing water. But for some reason common sense flew out the window as soon as I stepped on the scale and suddenly the scale became God and whatever that number was became the spoken word. It's not healthy, I'm pretty sure we all know this. So I let Scarlett manage it, on ONE stipulation. I agreed to not worry about my weight as long as when we got to a certain number, she would tell me and we could plateau and hang out there for a while, redusce my intake to stay there. Giving me time to accept and emotionally prepare for the next steps forward. A number that got me out of medical danger, where we would have a little cushion so Sandy could start the "real" EMDR and I could medically and safely begin working on trauma. And I agreed that if I fell below Scarlett's stipulated number then she would have free range to up my intake further. Agreed. Agreed. The scale got shoved in the back of the linen closet, on it's side, wedged between a wooden crate and the wall. Out of sight, out of mind. This weekend my Mom and I tore the house apart decorating for Christmas. This house was a disaster as we replaced every day knicky knackies with Christmas lights and Snowmen and Santa figurines. The regular towels came down and the snowflake decorative towels went up. I even have ice skating penguins on my bathroom counter. Christmas linen came out of the closet and winter flannel went on the beds. In the process of all that my Mom (innocently/naively) sees the scale in the back of the closet and puts it back in the bathroom by the bathtub. My bathroom, by my bathtub. Do we all know where this is going ... ?? The scale did not lose it's allure sitting in the back of the closet. It wasn't dead, merely hibernating, and now it was awake again ... and hungry. So I fed it. That stupid lying dog. In the moments before I got on it I tried to prepare myself, coming up with a number in my head that I was ready to accept. A number that was higher than I was before I put the scale away, but clearly under the number Scarlett had promised to keep me at. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and stepped on the scale. I stood there for moment and then opened my eyes. Took another deep breath and looked down. Common sense should have told me to check and adjust the calibration before and even after I saw that number. That awful, terrible, terrifying, outrageous number. A number that was above where I was promised we would stop at. Here's how the eating disorder works ... It instantly discredited everything Scarlett had ever said. It screamed at me "I fucking TOLD YOU SO!" I felt betrayed. I could feel the rage at my throat, the back of my neck was seething hot. I went between sheer panic and rage. I was along with my eating disorder. I wanted to call Scarlett and scream at her but I knew my anger would overtake my ability to articulate anything but nonsense which would only anger me more. I wanted to throw it all out the window. I was DONE. I even allowed myself room for a higher number that I was willing to accept, but I was well above that. I was consulted about this, I was not prepared. God had spoken and I was NOT ok. I picked up the phone shaking and texted Scarlett:
Me: Scarlett. We kind of disheveled the house today decorating. That's generally how it works and then everything gets in it's place and we're decorated. Somehow the bathroom scale made it back out ...Scarlett: Awe jeeze! You?Me: Fucking shit Scarlett. Now, I know I should not have gotten on it, so I'm totally taking responisibily for that. But you fucking promised me! You fucking promised we'd stop at ##. What. The. Fuck? I don't even fucking know right now. AND I already took my ambien and I'm going to crash out. I'm so angry right now. I'm really sad. I don't know what to say other than I want to scream so bad. Don't even respond right now because I am so fucking angry right now. I'm angry at you. I'm angry at myself. I'm really angry at myself.
I didn't know what to do or what to think or how to feel. I just knew that I was angry and I needed her to know that I knew what was happenning. I knew she had lied to me. I knew she was tricking me and the game was up. I also knew that as soon as I said not to respond to me that she was going to respond, so I turned my phone off because it was just going to anger me further to read whatever she had to say. Before the Ambien kicked in I started crying. I didn't know what to do. My heart was trying to convince me to hook up to my feeding tube and go to bed, just keep everything the same until I can sort it out. My eating disorder said "What the fuck for?". I wanted to get up and start exercising like crazy, lose the weight, forget the Ensure, quit. I was having a tug of war. I didn't know what it all meant to me. This is what I wanted, right? I want recovery. I want to be done with this. But I wanted it on my terms under my control. I don't gain the weight unless I allow it to happen. It's my choice... And then the Ambien kicked in and quick as that, all was calm and quiet as I fell into my drug induced sleep. When I woke up in the morning, as dreamland faded away and the reality of the night before crept back in, the reality zinged the waterworks and a huge giant sigh. "Ohh, yeah ..." The anger had passed and I was left with sadness. I was Very, and this very was Sad. Very sad. I grabbed my phone and sure as shit, Scarlett had responded, but I sadness was a better platform for me to deal with this than anger.
Scarlett: Hahaha.... ## my ass! Awesome scale to make you feel so shitty, though. If only I could see ##.... I'd love for you to be that angry! I'd love for that to be true. But you stepped on an old dusty bathroom scale that could've popped up any number, it's the power you're giving to a piece of plastic. Let's wait to be angry until you weigh that much, not when a dusty old scale says it, deal? Whether you gave that old dusty piece of plastic all your power or not and saw that number I know it freaked you out and I'm sorry. I love you through all this. Oh, and you're not ## pounds, but I'll buy the pretend and sleep better knowing that day might come! I love you sweet Jessica. Night :)
Sleep put me in a better place to read and accept that. It would have just angered me further to read that at the time. Sleep allowed me to be a little more objective, a little more realistic a little less crazy. I got it. I took a scale that has been sitting on it's side in the back of a closet and stepped on it. Well no SHIT it popped up with crazy numbers. I didn't even checked to see if the needle was tarred out at zero. I still haven't. It's a fucking mind fuck. At that moment, I knew she was right. I knew my eating disorder puffed itself up in a huge huffy rage because it was threatened. It didn't change the fact that I freaked out though, and now I'm left with wondering WHY? Why would that number not be ok with me? It was less than 2 pounds over the number I agreed to in the first place. Why would it matter? It's in the direction I wanted go and quite frankly not far enough away from the "dying weight", the weight I was when I realized I was dying and I told Scarlett that I didn't want to die. The turn around point. Scarlett doesn't ever discuss my weight with me but for happenstance she let me know that I was only 6 pounds away from that turn point. 6 pounds away from dying. I would have thought that it would have to appeased to my eating disorder to know this, but it unsettles me even further. I know it's not the weight and I was sorry I had gotten so angry but now I feel like I'm in a mind trap that I don't know how to get out of. I keep trying to figure it all what, what it would mean if my weight was where I thought it was. My eating disorder was so thrilled at the thought of Scarlett's betrayal. It was overjoyed to think it had beaten her and could have me back. It makes me realize how strong the eating disorder is. It's like a cockroach, you can cut it's head off but it's not really dead. It will come back. I like Scarlett's analogy of the two wolves:
If you feed the Good wolf, the Evil wolf gets angry. He puffs up big and becomes violent, barking constantly, foaming at the mouth, viciously clawing at and threatening you. You have no choice but to feed him because you can't take it anymore. It hurts, so you take the Good wolf's food and you feed it to the Evil wolf and he stops biting you, he stops barking and snarling and the silence from the chaos is beautiful. The Evil wolf snuggles up to, keeps you warm, he even loves you, he protects you from everything that is not him, as long as you give him all the food. You feed him and he feeds you in return. He abuses you, feeding you hate and lies until you can't take it anymore and the silence of the chaos is overwhelming. The absence of the chaos is not love or serenity and peace though, it's a thundering silence. There is no more Good because the Good wolf goes away. You're not feeding him anymore, you don't pay any attention to him, so he leaves. Just because you have kept the Evil at bay does not mean that there is Good. Good is gone. Good went away. So you start feeding the Good again beckoning him to come back and protect you, save you and the Evil wolf starts snarling again, and so you plead to the Good wolf and you say "HEY! I'm feeding you, you're stronger now, why aren't you helping me? This Evil wolf is attacking me because of YOU! Because I'm feeding YOU! You're supposed to protect me! Help ME!" But the Good wolf just says, "But I just got here. You just started feeding me. I need more. And besides, I'm a Good wolf! I'm going to stay right here and be good, and love you. If I fight, then I'm no different than the Evil wolf. YOU have to fight the Evil wolf. I'm a Good wolf." That's where I'm at right now, I'm feeding the Good Wolf. My theory is that eventually, the Evil wolf will get weak and he will go away and as long as I continue to not feed him, he will stay away and my Good wolf will never have to fight him. It's just that right now now, I have been feeding my Evil wolf for 20 years, he's huge and giant and towers over me, he has muscles of steel. Strong. 20 years strong. He's not just going to whittle away into some tiny little waif of a wolf after missing a few meals. And my Good wolf isn't going to magically become Under Dog because I gave him a sip of water and some kibble. But if I keep nourishing him and giving him food Good will get stronger and Evil will get weaker. I will get stronger and my eating disorder will get weaker. Right now I've got two wolves again but my Good wolf seems to be curled up in a food induced coma and I can hear him snoring. But it's a beautiful sound.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Friday, November 30, 2012
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