How My Eating Disorder Makes a Muffin into a Unscalable Mountain by Sandra Charron

Disordered eating is not a lifestyle choice. It's not because a person is vain or trying to lose weight for a wedding. It might start off like that, but once it has sunk its teeth into your psyche, disordered eating tells you when and what to eat...or not eat. And during the process of deciding whether you will eat, disordered eating breaks you down until all of your failures are highlighted in neon lights in your brain. Nobody wants to feel like this. Nobody chooses this.

Having battled disordered eating for 30 years, those who can pop a muffin top into their mouths and chew into it with enjoyment or even disinterest -- without even so much as a second of hesitation during the process of placing muffin to lips -- are viewed as interesting and brave beings to be observed and admired by those of us who find the very act of touching the moist snack a deed which causes anxiety, distress, anguish, and even fear. These are emotions which can only be described as comparable to those associated with undergoing a painful procedure at the dentist.

It sounds so simple, doesn't it? It shouldn't even be worth writing about. But to someone with Anorexia Nervosa or bulimia, or an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS), to hold a muffin in our hand; to stare at it with longing; to want to peel off that first bite and place it into our mouth, requires an extensive mental conversation which will continue long after we've actually swallowed the muffin, abstained from it, or purged it. The thought process often sounds like this:

"I'm going to eat this muffin. I am. I really am. But it'll be OK because I'll go for an hour run afterwards. I need to step up my cardio anyway. I couldn't believe how big my thighs were when I saw my reflection in the glass doors when I came to work this morning.

I weighed x lbs before I got dressed today. I've gained x lbs since December. If I can just get back down to x lbs., I'm sure I won't feel so sad all the time. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I just want to die.

I'm such a loser. Why did I even pick up this muffin? I should have left it in the box for the other girls. I'm so stupid. I can't believe I'm considering putting this in my mouth. I'm worthless. I can't even resist a muffin, it's no wonder I suck at everything.

Okay. If I do eat this, I'll take some laxatives. I have a box in my purse. That should work.

Oh God. But what if it doesn't? What if I get on the scale tomorrow and I haven't lost any weight? Or I've gained some? I suck. I need to put this muffin down. And just not eat anything for the rest of the day. I'll keep drinking my diet drink, that'll fill me up. Maybe I won't eat tomorrow either. That'll make me feel better, maybe I'll even feel happy if I go for two days without eating.

I'm so useless. Nobody likes me anyway so who cares if I even eat this muffin? I can't do anything right. My mom was right: all I ever do is make mistakes.

But look at Shelley eating her muffin. It looks so good. But I couldn't do like she's doing; I couldn't just dip it into my coffee like that. How can she let it touch her lips? Maybe I can nibble at it, chew it for a few seconds, then spit it out?

Oh fuck it. I'm eating it. Actually, I'll eat all of them; there are only three left. I'll eat the chocolate muffin first so that it will be my marker when I throw all this shit up after.

God, I'm such a loser."

Realistic self-portraits reveal secret binge eating

The art of bingeing: The images are all set in private places - including the bathroom - as in the image above. Photo / Lee Price

By Naomi Greenaway

An American artist has exposed her most private moments in a series of self-portraits that portray her eating behind closed doors.

The thought-provoking images, painted with almost photographic realism, depict the artist in different secret bingeing scenarios.

In one she's surrounded by cupcakes on the sofa, another shows her lying on a bed covered in fast food wrappers and in others she's eating in the bath and even in the loo.

Lee Price from Santa Fe in New Mexico, USA, who painted these compelling pieces "grappled with eating disorders" growing up and wanted to explore the complex relationship some women have with food through her art.

"When I'm having difficulties in my life food is still how I deal with things," admits the artist, now 47. "It's not the severity that it was, but I might grab a pint of Haagen Dazs without thinking."

"The paintings are very personal," Lee tells MailOnline. "They explore compulsive behavior. I use food as the focus, but any number of other things could stand in for food."

"They're about the multifarious ways we check out. We use food to seek solace, but then our search for comfort turns into a way of not being present in the moment," she explains.

The artist believes that women's relationship with food is central to the relationship we have to the world.

"By portraying women involved in as intimate an act as eating, I am exploring a broader context of women's situation," she explains.

"My paintings, I hope, point the viewer toward asking what we are truly hungry for, and what might be a healthier way of expressing that hunger, and seeking out its satiation," she says.

Although the images are about secrecy and compulsion, the artist doesn't associate her paintings with shame. "In fact, there's a kind of defiance in the gaze in many of the paintings," she says.

"I get various interpretations," says the artist. "Many people miss the connection to emotional eating my paintings represent.

"Then I get tonnes of emails from people - men and women both - who respond on a very personal level to the content of my work. Both responses resonate for me."

"What's important to me is not so much how people take them in, but simply that they take them in, each in their own way," she says.

What also stands out in the images are the unusual settings - the bathroom, toilet and bedroom aren't your typical eating spots.

"I wanted to use a private place, a peaceful place of solitude, and set against it this frenetic activity of compulsive behavior in which the subjects are engaged," explains Lee.

"The irony then becomes that in the midst of the chaos of their behavior there is peace. The women just can't see that," adds the artist.

The mesmerising images are currently being exhibited at Evoke Contemporary Gallery in Santa Fe, New Mexico.

- DailyMail

‘That’s How Powerful the Disease Is’ After Surviving Two Hospitalizations for Anorexia, New Haven Graduate Headed to University College London to Study Male Eating Disorders By Karen Cernich

The first time Ryan Branson was starving himself, he didn’t recognize that he had developed an eating disorder, anorexia nervosa.

He was 15 years old, a student at New Haven High School Class of 2008, and he was limiting his food, not because he thought he was fat, but so he wouldn’t gain weight.

“I always got a lot of attention — not good attention, negative attention,” said Branson, who was born with spastic cerebral palsy.

For him the condition has only affected his body, not his mind.

“My muscles get tight, so I have to stretch them,” he said, noting he uses a walker and sometimes a mobility scooter to get around, mainly at school.

Feeling like people were always looking at him, though, took a toll on his psyche, especially as a teenager.

“I stood out because I was different, using a walker, so I knew people were always looking at me,” said Branson. “I wanted to make sure I wasn’t fat because that would just be another thing they could pick on me for.”

In the beginning Branson said he was really self-conscious about his body, how he looked. Then he began exercising compulsively and restricting his food intake.

After two years, Branson’s weight dropped into the 80-pound range and his parents, Deann and Walter “Junior” Branson, Berger, took him to a doctor who recognized that he was suffering from anorexia.

“The doctor knew right away that’s what I had, but I thought I could beat it on my own and start eating again,” said Branson.

“She gave me a week to start eating, said, ‘We’ll see if you’re better or have more weight.’ I tried, it didn’t happen. It’s a whole mental thing. You want to do this, but you can’t. Your mind is very powerful.”

The anorexia was doing a great deal of damage to Branson’s body. He was having chest pains and his blood pressure and heart rate were dangerously low.

Branson went to a treatment facility in Kansas City one of the few places his parents could find that would accept male eating disorder patients. The facility has since closed.

After leaving treatment, Branson did well for about five years. He graduated high school and enrolled at the University of Missouri-Columbia, where last month he graduated cum laude with a bachelor’s degree in nutrition and fitness.

But along the way he relapsed, and this time, it was even more severe.

It was about two years ago, said Branson, noting the stress of college life and wanting to fit in played a role. A bigger contributor was trying to help a friend who was struggling with an eating disorder too.

“But that backfired, and I relapsed as well,” he said.

Five years earlier, Branson’s anorexia included having a distorted body image, where he saw himself as fat even though he was dangerously thin. This time around, Branson said he recognized how thin he was. The problem was that he liked the way he looked.

“I could see my bones when I looked in the mirror, and that was kind of pleasing to me,” he said.

“I knew it was bad, I shouldn’t be doing this, but that’s how powerful the disease is.”

Still, Branson recognized that he was in trouble and sought help for himself, but not before his weight had dropped to around 79 pounds.

“They didn’t know if I was going to make it the first few hours,” said Branson, who had been admitted to the hospital and put on a feeding tube to bring his weight back up.

It took awhile to get there safely, he said. A healthy weight for him, at 5 feet, 5 inches tall, is about 120 pounds.

After one week on the feeding tube alone, Branson slowly added eating small portions of food. After another week, the feeding tube was removed and he went to eating only normal food.

He returned to the same Kansas City treatment facility as before. He had left school in February and didn’t return until June.

Branson said his treatment included both group and individual counseling where patients talked about positive body image and cognitive behavioral therapy. There also were nutrition lessons to learn about healthy eating.

There were only three men total in his group sessions, said Branson.

Not Just a Female Disease

This fall Branson will begin a graduate program studying male eating disorders at University College London in England.

It’s a yearlong program where he will be learning the latest in treatment approaches, work clinically with people who have eating disorders and doing research. He’ll also attend seminars to hear people speak about eating disorders and visit hospitals to observe people recovering from eating disorders.

He hopes to develop new, more effective treatment for men suffering from eating disorders.

When he comes home, Branson plans to work with NEDA, National Eating Disorder Association, to establish an organization just for men who are struggling with eating disorders so they can support each other.

There is such an organization for men in the United Kingdom and Scotland already, he said, but none in America.

Many people are unaware that men can suffer from eating disorders just like women, said Branson.

“The statistics I’ve read put it at 10 percent of people diagnosed with eating disorders are men, but that’s probably a lot higher because a lot of men don’t acknowledge that they have it or ask for help,” he commented.

Sometimes even physicians may not initially recognize an eating disorder in men, said Branson.

“I feel like when males go to the doctor for help, even doctors kind of overlook an eating disorder as being the problem,” he said. “They think it might be something else, like depression.”

Even when he was receiving treatment for his eating disorder, Branson said there were many times he felt a little underserved.

“When we were in the group sessions, a lot of times it’s still, even with the staff who are heading the group, it’s still tailored toward women because they talk about women’s issues, like menstruation and stuff, and we’re kind of left out over here,” he remarked.

“We’re already outnumbered by women, but even in treatment, you kind of . . . feel ostracized. Men are not getting the same kind of attention, mainly because of the large number of women.”

Today Branson is healthy and happy. He is out of treatment, although he still occasionally has a phone session with a dietician, just to make sure he’s keeping up with what he should. He also occasionally talks with a counselor.

“The treatment I received is a blessing in disguise as it allowed me to really see the stigma of male eating disorders,” says Branson in a YouTube video about his experience.

“Surviving anorexia is an incentive for me to raise awareness about male eating disorders, and to get men the help they desperately need.

“I felt alone both before and during treatment,” he says. “I now know the importance of getting support and allowing yourself to be comfortable.”

Fear of Relapse

The fear of relapsing again is always in the back of Branson’s mind.

“I know it could happen, but I also feel . . . this is very important to me. I want to help other people with eating disorders . . . and I know if I relapse, I won’t be able to do that,” he said. “So that’s something that really keeps me going, knowing that if I relapse again, none of this is going to happen.”

Branson feels confident he would recognize the problem if it returned, and said now he has people he can reach out to before it would get too bad.

“I’m ready to move on to new and better things,” he said.

Branson recommends the NEDA website,www.nationaleatingdisorders.org, to learn more about the types of eating disorders, how to recognize the symptoms, how to get help and more.

There can be different warning signs for men than women, but the general ones are the same for both:

• Weight loss

• Being body conscious

• Having no appetite

• Not being social, wanting to be alone more than usual

• Moodiness

“Not eating and being depressed — that was something my mom would always point out, when I was struggling,” said Branson. “I wasn’t fun to be around. I never laughed, and I never found anything funny. I just had this mean look on my face the whole time.”

For parents or friends of someone struggling with an eating disorder, there are tips on how to approach the subject.

“Many people will deny it. They may even be in denial to themselves,” said Branson.

London Calling

In spite of or maybe because of his issues with food, Branson said he decided to get a degree in nutrition and fitness. Now after all he’s been through, he’s even more motivated to work in the field.

“Nutrition has always been something I’ve been interested in, and after this, it’s become even more of an incentive because I want to help others,” he said.

In applying for UCL, Branson had to write a personal statement on why you wanted to apply and what you hope to do with it, so he shared his background and also his goals of starting a group for men in America.

Branson is spending his summer getting ready for his year studying abroad.

He’s filling out loan and grant applications, setting up a UK bank account and applying for a visa. He also established a GoFundMe.com site where people can make donations to help him achieve his dreams.

After just one month, he raised $707 donated by 14 people. He doesn’t have a goal for the site, because regardless of how much he raises, he still plans to study at UCL. He leaves at the beginning of September.

“I’ll take out a loan if I have to,” he remarked.

Branson admits he is concerned about traveling so far, especially for someone with a physical disability, but his parents will be going along with him on the initial trip, and he’s working with the university and their disability services.

“That takes off some of the pressure,” he said.

Branson said he recently found out he only has class twice a week, but he’s not sure how long the classes are and what kind of workload they will include.

“I could be bombarded with homework,” he said, with a smile. “After all, it is grad school.”

Top Eating Disorder Facts, A Parent's Alert released today by NoBullying

Research indicates that in the US alone, over 30 million adults are suffering or have suffered from an eating disorder. Eating disorders and distorted body images are a lurking danger around each and every teen. NoBullying releases today the guide to top eating disorder facts as a guide for parents.

The first step when it comes to eating disorders is simply to know if someone is suffering from it. The symptoms include self criticism, negative thoughts about their body and food. Seeking medical help is necessary in most cases. The earlier treatment is given, the greater the outcome of physical and emotional recovery; therefore, putting the monster to rest.

The guide lists the several types of eating disorders such as Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa and Binge Eating Disorder among other types. Anorexia Nervosa slowly causes self-starvation, as the body is denied the essential nutrients it needs to have normal function. It leads to muscle loss/weakness, severe dehydration causing kidney failure and a general sense of fatigue.

Anorexia Nervosa has the highest rate of mortality of these disorders. For females that suffer from Anorexia between the ages of 15 and 24, the mortality rate is much higher than any other cause of death. Eating disorders facts tend to refer to social pressure to be "thin" as the main cause.

Bulimia Nervosa, a life-threatening condition that causes cycles of binging followed by self-induced vomiting, purging the body of the food to prevent weight gain. Bulimia causes both physical and mental symptoms. Low self-esteem related to body image and an out of control feeling during the binging episodes.

The guide serves as a reminder that parents can prevent their children from developing these disorders by building self esteem, encouraging healthy eating and attitude toward nutrition and appearance.

The guide also serves to remind parents and educators about the dangers of fat bullying and bullying children with obesity problems and how they contribute to creating a very distorted body image within teens and children, pushing them into developing depression or eating disorders.

It is up to parents and teacher to talk to children about the fact that the pressure of fitting in can be overwhelming; keeping a healthy attitude is the key to beating the blues that comes with body image issues. Children need to be taught to love themselves regardless of how they look or wear. Children must also learn about the benefits to a healthy diet, nutrition and how to avoid the peer pressure to fit in.

Macartan Mulligan, co-founder of NoBullying.com, said, "This guide on eating disorder facts is related to bullying in every possible way. Children who are bullied because of their bodies are taught subconsciously to work on themselves to fit it which translates to developing eating disorders."

He added that parents and teachers should make a point to educate the younger generations about the sad outcome of bullying online and offline. According to Mulligan, it is quite imperative to press for more firm laws condemning all acts of bullying and harassment.

NoBullying.com features many pages dedicated to parents, teens, teachers, health professionals as well as posts related to cyber safety and the latest news about law making concerning curbing bullying worldwide as well as inspirational bullying poems and famous bullying quotes.

The website regularly updates its bullying statistics and cyber bullying statistics as it is essential to understand how widespread the bullying epidemic is. It also regularly runs cyber bullying surveys and questionnaires to get recent updated statistics on everything related to cyberbullying.

He also added that anyone suffering from bullying in any form or way can always find advice and help on the NoBullying website – but if anyone is suffering from severe bullying or cyber bullying, the best thing is to talk to someone locally – a parent, teacher or local organization that has been set up to help with specialized councilors to deal with this topic.

Read more: http://m.digitaljournal.com/pr/1970023#ixzz33v18Zc5Q

Diabetic put her life at risk to lose weight: Mother stopped taking her insulin injections after ballooning to 19 stone Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2649543/Diabetic-life-risk-lose-weight-Mother-stopped-taking-insulin-injections-ballooning-19-stone

• Hayleigh Juggins put on weight while pregnant with her daughter, Angel
• After the birth she wanted to slim down so stopped taking insulin injections
• The 20-year-old's weight dropped from 19st to 10st 10lbs
• But, doctors told her her sight was being damaged and she risked blindness
• So, she is now taking the insulin again to ensure she is there for her child

A diabetic mother whose weight ballooned during pregnancy put her life at risk when she stopped taking her insulin medication in a bid to slim down.

Hayleigh Juggins ignored doctors' advice, halting the treatment for her diabetes having blamed the hormone for her weight reaching 19st.

The 20-year-old was diagnosed with type one diabetes when she was 15 years old.

When she fell pregnant three years later, she began taking high doses of insulin, which she claims led to rapid weight gain.

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Hayleigh Juggins, 20, is diabetic but she stopped taking insulin after the birth of her daughter, Angel. She hoped this would help her to lose weight after she ballooned to 19st

By the time she gave birth when she was 19, she weighed 19st and was wearing size 22 clothes.

Horrified, she decided to disregard doctors’ instructions to take insulin after each meal and subsequently found herself shrinking.

Stable today at 10st 10lb, Miss Juggins says that despite being pleased at gaining her dream figure, she will never again risk serious damage to her health by going against medical advice.

She said: ‘There was a war within me - on the one hand I was distraught at having gained so much weight during pregnancy, but on the other I knew what I was doing was bad for me.

 

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• Mother diagnosed with breast cancer during pregnancy had mastectomy 30 minutes after giving birth ¿ in the same operating theatre

‘When I was told that I might lose my sight if I didn’t take the proper dosages of insulin, I knew I had to start looking after myself again. I wanted to see my little girl grow up.’

Miss Juggins, a student, struggled with weight gain during her early years, eventually reaching size 22 by the time she was 14.

She said: ‘I had a few family problems at home, so I over ate. I relied on sugary things, like cake and sweets, to make me feel better.

‘I spent my pocket money on chocolate and snacks and waited until everyone in the house had gone to bed before I took myself to my room and ate the whole stash.’

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Miss Juggins dropped from 19st (left) to 10st 10lbs (right) after she stopped taking her insulin

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Ms Juggins was told by doctors that she was risking blindness by not taking her insulin injections. As a result, she decided to start taking them as she wanted to ensure she would be there for her daughter, Angel

When she was 15, she began mysteriously losing weight.

She said: ‘I had recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and was in counselling.

'People assumed I was losing weight because I was happier and less dependent on comfort eating.’

Shortly afterwards she was shocked to be diagnosed with type one diabetes.

She said: ‘I kept asking for glasses of water because I was so thirsty. A friend’s mother was a nurse and said it was a sign of diabetes.

'Not long after I collapsed on a night out with friends and had to be taken by ambulance to hospital.

‘I’d experienced diabetic ketoacidosis, when my body couldn’t absorb sugar for fuel. In hospital I was completely delirious - I found out later the doctors told my mum that I could have slipped into a coma.’

DO INSULIN INJECTIONS CAUSE WEIGHT GAIN AND WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU STOP TAKING THEM?

Weight gain is a common side effect for people who take insulin.

This is because insulin allows glucose to enter the cells and if a person eats more calories than they need to maintain a healthy weight, the cells will get more glucose than they need.

Glucose that is not used by the cells will accumulate as fat.

However, it is perfectly possible for most diabetics to maintain a healthy weight while taking insulin if they are active and watch what they eat.

If a person who has been told to take insulin does not do so, they risk a whole range of complications.

This is because having high glucose levels in the body can damage blood vessels, nerves and organs.

Prolonged spells of high blood sugar levels can cause heart disease, strokes, blindness, kidney disease, foot ulcers, sexual dysfunction and even result in amputations.

Source: Mayo Clinic and NHS Choices

Having immediately been diagnosed with diabetes Miss Juggins, of Biggleswade in Bedfordshire, was set on a daily routine of insulin injections which saw her take medicine up to four times a day.

She said: ‘I didn’t appreciate the seriousness of my diagnosis at first. I didn’t want to be diabetic and found the change to my routine difficult.

‘I also put on a lot of weight, as a side effect of the insulin, and having been advised to eat a carbohydrate-rich diet.

‘I fell into the habit of taking time off insulin when I felt my weight was getting too high, and I found controlling my weight became a lot easier.’

When, aged 18, she became pregnant with her daughter Angel, now two, she was careful to increase her insulin intake to make sure her health was protected.

But shortly after giving birth in May 2012, she realised she had reached 19st and was back to wearing size 22 clothes.

She said: ‘I hadn’t realised what state I’d allowed my body to get into. I’d more than doubled my insulin intake, but I didn’t realise it would have such an effect on my weight.’

Many patients requiring insulin treatment report weight gain as the anabolic agent aids cells’ ability to absorb glucose. If more glucose enters the cells than is used as energy, it accumulates as fat.

Miss Juggins said: ‘I decided to continue with one daily dose but discontinued the injections after each meal.

‘The doctors had made it quite clear to me that I was insulin dependent. I knew that choosing not to take it was a life-threatening decision.

‘But I felt much happier about myself. I could feel that my body chemistry wasn’t right, but on the other hand, I was able to relax and felt much more like me as my weight fell away.’

In less than 18 months, Miss Juggins slimmed down to 10st 10lb, and was able to fit into size 10 clothing.

But a routine check-up in January this year was enough to shock her back into resuming her proper dosage.

She said: ‘I began signs of diabetic retinopathy. Unless I’m very careful from now onwards, there’s a chance I could go blind.

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Ms Juggins (pictured with friends since her weight loss) says she now realises her health is more important than her weight so she will continue to take her insulin injections

‘It’s a relatively simple situation to fix - I’m lucky the complications weren’t worse. There might be problems in the future that I don’t know about yet, but when I decided to stop taking the full insulin dose, I didn’t care.

‘The eye exam made me think about Angel. If I lost my sight, I wouldn’t be able to see her grow up. The battle in my head came to end.

‘I wanted to lose weight- but I wanted to see my little girl more.’

Miss Juggins said she feels sympathy for young people who are diagnosed with diabetes and urged them to educate themselves as much as possible about the effects of the condition and treatment.

She said: ‘Don’t act like the diagnosis is nothing, like I did. When I was first diagnosed, I felt very alone. I was given all sorts of different leaflets, some of which had very shocking language about how life-changing having diabetes is. It was scary.

‘By asking questions I’ve come to realise that the most important thing is figuring out the best course of action for you. I’m able to control it – it doesn’t control me.

‘Me and Angel are very close. She’s wonderful - very boisterous and energetic. I want to make sure I’m here for her as long as possible.’

Libby Dowling, Diabetes UK Clinical Advisor, said: 'Skipping  insulin to lose weight is extremely dangerous. This is because if you haven't got enough insulin in your body your blood glucose will get too high, which can lead to devastating health complications.

'In the short term it can lead to diabetic ketoacidosis, an extremely dangerous condition that requires immediate medical attention and treatment in hospital, and can even be fatal. And in the long term skipping insulin can lead to complications such as blindness, stroke and amputations.

'It is crucial that people who are omitting their insulin are given rapid access to psychological support as they are risking their health and even their life.'

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2649543/Diabetic-life-risk-lose-weight-Mother-stopped-taking-insulin-injections-ballooning-19-stone.html#ixzz33nQ2Lyf6
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The New and Dangerous Eating Disorder!

What is one of the most dangerous ingredient in any food?

Not gluten, not GMO's, not even grease.The worst ingredient you can add to your food is guilt.

This guilt around food is something I see more and more in my coaching practice. I am a recovered food addict as well as a food freedom coach. That means I help women eliminate that ingredient, guilt, from their diet and lives.

What is it?

The term for this persistent guilt regarding food is termed othorexia. Orthorexiaisn't listed in the big official book of mental illnesses, the DSM V, yet, but I suspect it will be someday. It is defined as an extreme fear and aversion to foods that may be associated with health risks. In one coaching session I met a client who described to me what orthorexia feels like. The more she learned about the ingredients and power of food over, she began to feel powerless. Everything on the shelves of her local grocery store seemed to be a death threat. She felt confined to a lifestyle of kale. She literally shivered at the as she went down the aisle.

The Carb Cut

I could relate to the fear of food. My first diet was the Atkins diet. That's when I learned carbohydrates were off limits. It had never occurred to me that food could be bad, until I saw the endcap at a mall bookstore. We had taken a teenage roadtrip to a bigger city with a mall. We blasted Avril Lavigne with our feet on the dash. Singing about how things were "So Complicated" but I didn't realize my life was about to get really complicated. From that moment on, I looked at food, carbohydrates specifically as an opponent and a danger. Often, I'd lose my battle on weekends and start the fight again on Mondays.

Don't Go Too Far

Now, I don't want to say that all diets and the focus on good and safe ingredients is wrong. But even through good intentions, overanalyzing the ingredients of every food is the spark that causes orthorexia and food guilt. Advancements in science and the consciousness to eat responsibly has created a prism of approaches to eating.Vegetarian, pescatarian, vegan, gluten free, GMO free. But with any good thing, it can go too far.

The Comfort

To be honest, I sometimes wish I had the discipline to fall into one of those categories. I've always been comforted by being part of a category. I loved being the A-student and a high achiever. It's tremendously calming to feel cradled inside of a "type." Diets are no different. They can cradle you. If I was vegan, I'd know what to eat and what to avoid. I'd know I was contributing to a more humane world. If I was paleo, I know I'd have less cravings and lower bodyfat. Plus I'd have the community of those cool CrossFitters on my side.

Watch for the Media Scare Tactics

But with food, I'm just a square peg that tried for too long to fit into a round hole. And I beat myself up over it trying to jam my lifestyle into a restricted pattern of eating. Part of what made me feel so "wrong" was because of the scare tactics around food. Again, most diets and food intelligence is born from good intentions, but I've realized the byproduct of so much focus on "healthy" "clean" foods is guilt. For me, guilt is worse than any artificial sweetener. It's insidious and robs me of experience life with a clear and open mind.

Good vs. Bad Food?

One of the biggest lessons I recall from my time at an eating disorder treatment center was food is neither good nor bad. I was taught to look at so-called bad foods like pizza and dissect them for what they were. Just bread, tomato sauce, cheese. I slowly unraveled myself from the fear. Through a steady commitment to a mentally healthy approach to my self worth I found peace. My tried and true diet is simply the guilt and fear free diet.

I still have the tough days where the diet industry gets its hooks in me. I still feel a little guilty every time I rip open a little packet of fake sugar. But most days I feel proud of how far I've come. I relish food for the experience it brings, for the sustenance it gives me.

To me holistic eating involves a reverence my mental health as well as my bodily health.

Orthorexia can provide a lesson in forgiveness. I still try to eat within the guidelines of a healthy diet. If I only ate what I felt like eating, well, that would be anarchy. I'd eat 80-percent peanut butter and 20-percent red velvet cake.

But sometimes I have to trade a healthy meal for a healthy mind.

If you're struggling with an eating disorder, call Ramey Nutrition  at 1-206-909-8022.

www.rameynutrition.com