Destination Recover(ed): Day 23

September 7, 2012

What I don't miss about my eating disorder: Contracts. It seems like every therapist (except Sandy...) and definitely every treatment center and hospital, required some kind if contract. I will not harm myself, I will eat 3 meals and 3 snacks, I will consume this and not consume that or do this and not that ... Really? I always thought 'If I could consume this and not do that then I wouldn't be here in the first place'. But sign away I always did, setting myself up for failure and releasing whomever from liability if I died. No, not today. The only contract I have is with myself. Today, I promise to myself.

What I'm not going to miss about my eating disorder: When my eating disorder blind sides me. I feel new to this journey still. Every single day I feel vulnerable. I'm still learning the ropes, still trying to understand the process. Every day I put on my galoshes and wade through all the shit around me hoping I'm going in the right direction, doing the right thing. Some of it's beautiful and amazing, some if it's ugly. All of it is part if recovering. I wasn't going to blog today because I wasn't feeling so strong in my journey. Next time I get blind sided, I'll be stronger. That's part of recovery, too.

Destination Recover(ed): Day 22

September 6, 2012

What I DON'T MISS about my eating disorder: When the grocery store terrified me. For many years I avoided the grocers like the plague. It made me feel ashamed to go as if the act of grocery shopping was some how admitting that I was going to eat whatever I was parading around in my shopping basket for everyone to see. I instantly felt like I was on display with a giant blinking neon sign that screamed "Anorexic Eating". I thought that if I went to the grocers then I was admitting that I eat and everyone knows that "anorexics don't eat" and I wanted to be a good anorexic. I wanted to be the Best. What I didn't comprehend until years later was that the Best Anorexics die. That's the reward. Today I love the grocery store. A trip to Whole Foods to me is now like an exciting field trip. Turns out I'm a foodie, and I'm not ashamed of it.

What I'm NOT GOING TO MISS about my eating disorder: Shopping for my clothes in the kids department. I know it sounds trivial but I love Lucky Brand Jeans and I want to be able to wear them again. My Free People clothes just hanging in the closet collecting dust because I can't fit them? I'd like to not have to wear sweat pants with M&M's or My Little Pony because the only pairs I could find that didn't fall off were in the kids department. It's a Gong Show to go shopping and I'd like that to change... I know it's not the most important part of recovery but one has to have something to look forward to ...

Destination Recover(ed): Day 21

September 5, 2012

What I don't miss about my eating disorder: I don't miss not knowing what I wanted for my life. The thought of "life goals" was not a concept I could wrap my starving brain around. I remember Dr. V from Harborview, he gave me "homework" assignments every day. In order to earn privelages (insert behavior modification here) I had to complete my h.w. What seemed like a simple assignment of writing down life goals kept me in my hospital gown and restricted to my bed for 3 days. The furthest I could conprehend for what I wanted out of life was simple. I didn't want to die and I wanted off my bed. When rephrased "What did I want to be when I 'grew up'?" I drews a blank. For years I drew a blank. I had no concept of life without an eating disorder ... Today, I still don't know what it feels like to not be sick, but I dream about it. I can imagine it and I can feel it. I managed to figure out my goals, my dreams. I have hope.

What I'm NOT GOING TO MISS about my eating disorder: Insomnia. I would really like to sleep. Real sleep.

Destination Recover(ed): Day 20

September 4, 2012

What I DON'T MISS about my eating disorder: Behavior modification. I remember a lot of the programs and treatments I was in used this approach, taking away "privelages" if you didn't follow your meal plan or reach your daily goals or if you acted out and didn't follow the rules. In hospitals I've had been put on bed restriction, phone and visitor restriction, had my clothes taken away etc. When I was younger my parents used to take away my music, restrict me from seeing my friends, no extra curriculars etc. For a person with control issues, like ed sufferers, all this does is take away from the focus of treatment and create a power struggle.

What I'm NOT GOING TO MISS about my eating disorder: My hair falling out at the alarming and disturbing rate it does now. I am pretty sure I could have made 2 wigs from the hair I collected from washing my hair this morning. Sadly my hair has thinned out and become dry and brittle. I look forward to my hair reflecting my recovery it look and be healthy, shiny and happy!

Destination Recover(ed): Day 19

September 3, 2012

What I don't miss about my eating disorder: Food rules/rituals. I believe, with all the years of therapy and learning about myself and understanding my eating disorder, that the food rituals are out the window. Really, it's not about the food. I hate that saying, but it's kind of true. Ok, it's true. Do I have food fears? Not really. But I think that stems from not knowing what I like. This may change, as I start to switch from a diet that consists of Ensure and Feeding Tube, but I get that it's not the food. I'm afraid of how my body is going to react to solid food on a regular basis but I am not opposed to eating crab cakes from The Dahlia Lounge the first chance I can!

What I'm NOT GOING TO MISS about my eating disorder: Not being able to fully taste food. One of the many little yet annoying side effects ... This why I guess salt intake is regulated in some residential centers ... It's common for recoverees to salt the crap out everything because it's one of the things you can actually taste.

Destination Recover(ed): Day 18

September 2, 2012

What I DON'T MISS about my eating disorder: Spending hours upon hours engaging is compulsive "activities" to keep everything organized, everything in it's place as a way to keep my world in control. It also kept me distracted from thinking about food, it gave me something to focus on instead of the chaos in and around me. Keeping the flow and fibers of the carpet all in the same direction somehow meant that everything in the world was right, that aside from starving myself, I was ok and safe.

What I am NOT GOING TO MISS about my eating disorder: Conversations with Scarlett that begin with Me: "I am at the Evergreen State Fair" and end with Scarlett: "Really ... Go the fuck home". Soon this conversation will end with Scarlett: "Awesome! Pick me up some Tortilla Soup and HAVE A GOOD TIME". I'm not there yet, I know because I don't see the problem with going to the fair, sitting in the indoor arena to watch my family ride in the horse show. This is how I know I'm not ready yet, I'm still working on my shell.

Destination Recovered: Day 17

September 1, 2012

What I don't miss about my eating disorder: Having a "sitter" because an MHS has been called for the 2nd time (and 3rd and 4th) to evaluate whether or not I was too sick to know how to make medical decisions for myself ... This is the process that starts the involuntary holds and court proceedings. Sitters basically sit with you 24 hrs a day so you can't run away or harm yourself before the MHS can get to you. I suppose it sucked for both of us because neither of us could leave, or walk around or go anywhere. I'm not even sure they are allowed to talk to you. It's not a way to live. It's not really even living at all at that point.

What I'm NOT GOING TO MISS about my eating disorder: Muscle cramps. Particularly the foot ones. They all suck but the foot ones seem to come for me only in the middle of the night and all night long. Leg cramping isn't much better, especially in the calves. Hand cramps seem to be the easiest to handle ... Ha! "hand"le ... What am I talking? The cramps suck ass. I won't miss them, on any level.